Once you're on this side of life things are different. This side....this "I've lived the nightmare" side. This less than rosy colored view of the world. It's tainted. It's suspicious. It's worst case scenarios. It's I'm not enough.
I want to be one of THOSE people. People who always seem happy. People who can always look at the bright side. I admire those who have gone through heavy things and can still slap on a smile.
At times, things seem as good as they can be. I am really enjoying my new job and coworkers. My girls are growing and thriving. Roger and I are together. We are living. Travis shows me he's here with all these interesting connections he is creating and revealing to me.
It's sad that even with all that I am always on edge. Always waiting for the bad news. Always anticipating negative responses. Anticipating the break in relationships. Expecting people to tire of my life and the history I carry with me. Maybe that is why I am so emotional.
I feel things so deeply. I try not to show it. My face is WAY too expressive.
I have good people in my life. Truly. People who just show up, bring coffee, call/text. People I've only recently met who ask about Travis or offer a hug at just the right time. People who seek me out to check on me or just chat. They are there on tough days...on not so tough days. I don't have to ask.
Yet, I catastrophize everything. Why?
I look for the bad in things. I worry that my relationships with people are not being genuine. I worry that I am not living up to expectations...CONSTANTLY. I put so much stock into proving myself....as a mother, as a wife, as an employee, as a friend, as a woman. It is so much pressure. It's taxing. I wish I could just trust that I AM ENOUGH.
I want to go back to my rosy, even if naive, view of the world. I want to live in that world where things like this don't happen to people.