Monday, October 29, 2012

Through Rose Colored Glasses

You'd never know how difficult it is to not expect the worst...unless you've been in my shoes.

Once you're on this side of life things are different.  This side....this "I've lived the nightmare" side.  This less than rosy colored view of the world.  It's tainted.  It's suspicious.  It's worst case scenarios.  It's I'm not enough.

I want to be one of THOSE people.  People who always seem happy.  People who can always look at the bright side.   I admire those who have gone through heavy things and can still slap on a smile.

I try.

At times, things seem as good as they can be.  I am really enjoying my new job and coworkers.  My girls are growing and thriving.  Roger and I are together.  We are living.   Travis shows me he's here with all these interesting connections he is creating and revealing to me.

It's sad that even with all that I am always on edge.  Always waiting for the bad news.  Always anticipating negative responses.  Anticipating the break in relationships.  Expecting people to tire of my life and the history I carry with me.   Maybe that is why I am so emotional.

I feel things so deeply.  I try not to show it.  My face is WAY too expressive.

I have good people in my life.   Truly.  People who just show up, bring coffee, call/text.  People I've only recently met who ask about Travis or offer a hug at just the right time.  People who seek me out to check on me or just chat.  They are there on tough days...on not so tough days.  I don't have to ask.

Yet, I catastrophize everything.  Why?

I look for the bad in things.  I worry that my relationships with people are not being genuine.  I worry that I am not living up to expectations...CONSTANTLY.   I put so much stock into proving a mother, as a wife, as an employee, as a friend, as a woman. It is so much pressure.  It's taxing.  I wish I could just trust that I AM ENOUGH.

I want to go back to my rosy, even if naive, view of the world.  I want to live in that world where things like this don't happen to people.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Travis Gary DiCarlo

Travis Gary DiCarlo
Travis Tribute Video

Travis Gary DiCarlo, first son of Roger and Nicole DiCarlo, was born at San Diego Kaiser Hospital, October 23, 2009 with a Congenital Heart Defect known as Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, or HLHS. The short explanation is that Travis was born with only half of a heart. In order for him to live, a series of three operations were planned.

Due to an infection, Travis had to have an additional open heart surgery to insert pulmonary artery bands on October 29, 2009. He had his Norwood Surgery on November 21, 2009. He was sent home on December 14, 2009 from Rady's Children Hospital of San Diego after spending his first 52 nights of life in the hospital.

After being home for several months, Travis was due to for his next surgery in the plan, the Glenn procedure. But the life of a cardiac kid can change in an instant and life doesn't always go as planned. Due to the anatomy of his heart and some rhythm issues, Travis had what the surgeons called Norwood part 2. They replaced his Sano Shunt with a bigger one, enlarged his pulmonary arteries and installed a pacemaker. This surgery was performed on May 3, 2010. Travis went home on May 17th, 2010.

Around Travis' first birthday in October his cardiologist detected some narrowing in his pulmonary artery and ordered a heart cath. The heart cath showed extensive narrowing in his aorta and his pulmonary artery. On February 17, 2011 Travis had his 4th open heart surgery. He was doing well with recovery until he suddenly went into cardiac arrest on Friday (2/18). After two hours of CPR Travis was placed on ECMO (a heart/lung bypass). Although his heart did begin to beat again on its own, his brain was damaged during the whole ordeal and he lost all brain function. We had to say goodbye to our beautiful boy on Saturday, February 19th. We miss our boy terribly..... 

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Happy 3rd Birthday Travis

Today would have marked Travis' third birthday.  We celebrated his day by doing some of his favorite things.  Tomorrow, we honor his birthday by serving dinner at the Ronald McDonald house and hosting a book drive for the patients of Children's Hospital.  We love and miss our son.

 Addison who is almost 2 letting out Balloons for her brother.
 Nicole sending out a special balloon to her Travis.
Daddy and Baby Brynn (4 1/2 months old) sending balloons to T.

Addie had swim class tonight and instead of canceling, we thought it was a great way to honor Travis,
because he loved the water so much.
 Travis loved the water.
Travis at swim class.  He made every one smile

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Simple, Painful things

It hurts my heart at the tiny details of you that I can't exactly recall. Simple things like changing a boys diaper vs. a girls. I have a boy...a beautiful, missed boy. But, I can't exactly recall the details. That hurts my heart more than I can explain. Why can't I remember those details...the happy ones? The horrible memories haunt me. I can vividly recall those moments. It's all unfair.