Wednesday, March 30, 2011


"But her pain right now is deeper
Than her faith in God and Church"

Monday, March 28, 2011

I Get Angry

I get angry.

I get angry when parents of my students say "That's sad" in response to hearing the news. Really, that is all you've got? Yeah, it is sad. Beyond sad. Incomprehensible, really.

I get angry when people compare the death of a parent to our is totally different. Children are not supposed to die first. I've lost both a parent AND a child and I can safely say it is different. Please don't compare it......

I get angry when I see the clothes hanging in his closet that he will never wear.

I get angry when I see people at a restaurant losing patience with their kid. I would give anything to be frustrated with Travis....

I get angry that Addie has to grow up without her brother. She was supposed to have him as her guide.

I get angry that my mom is hurting so much. She was sooo happy to become a Nana.

I get angry that God took Roger's boy. I know he dreamed of doing "boy things" with Travis and I feel like he was robbed. I am so scared that I won't be able to give him another boy.

I get angry when people don't allow us to be neurotic. I lost my son....I am determined to keep my daughter alive. Please understand that I have nightmares about her passing too.

I get angry because I am negative and depressed and sad. Nothing is bringing me joy. I am fearful that my friends will give up on me.

I am angry that I can't stop trying to medicate with food. I want to be healthier for my daughter. I have the best intentions but my emotions ALWAYS get the best of me.

I get angry because I don't know what else to do.....

Another Week has passed

We have made it through another week and I must say that the pain of losing our sweet boy is getting worse and worse. The reality of all of this is just too much to handle sometimes. Nicole and I have gone back to work and when at work we seem to do ok. It just feels like Travis is just away for the day. When we head home the thought of him not being there makes the drive unbearable. Even when we had a bad day at work, getting home to see his amazing smile made all the stuff at work seem meaningless. His smile was special. To think that we will never see his smile again makes it really hard to function.

Monday, March 21, 2011

The "Normal" We Never Wanted.

Nicole and I went back to work today for the first time since Travis has passed. It was really hard to get up and leave the house knowing that Travis would not be there when we returned.
The drive down to the high school for me was easier than I thought, because of the distraction of my favorite morning sports talk show(Scott and BR). Once I turned off the car and headed into my office it really started feeling funny. I then logged on my computer like I have many times before and my desktop picture is of my beautiful boy. I immediately started to get sad and needed some fresh air. I decided to head up to the front office trying to avoid as many teachers/students as possible, but it is hard in such a big school. I ended up walking with the substitute teacher that took my place for the last couple of weeks. We talked for a bit about my classes and as we were about to head into the administration office I just felt overwhelmed with emotion. I had to find a place to let out tears. I used an assistant principals office and lost it. I really haven't let tears out like that since the weekend we had to say goodbye to Travis. With the help of three amazing women I was able to compose myself. I was lucky enough to have somebody help me get through the first class of the day. It got a lot easier as the day went on and it started feeling normal again. I had several awkward moments with my students and who could blame them. They are teenagers still learning how to think and live. Most adults don't know what to say to Nicole and I, shoot we don't know what we want people to say to us. I did have a good encounter with a student who I had last year who always asked about Travis. She would always ask to see new pictures of him and always ask how he was doing. She caught me before I got to my car to leave and just gave me a hug and said "I know how much you loved him, and he does too." I said thank you to her and got in my car to leave with tears in my eyes, but pride in my heart. Travis will be forever in our hearts everyday. Especially the tough days that are ahead as we begin our new "Normal Life" that we didn't want.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Get Away

So, we had this great idea to "get away" and relax for few days. Like that can happen.....

What we wanted to do was get away from our thoughts! Unfortunately, it looks like that is impossible. Every activity, every song we hear, every store we go into.....something reminds us that he is gone and never coming back. We've been doing a great job of" acting normal". I hardly ever cry in public (except when the massage lady asks how many kids I have) but my mind is constantly on him. I run through those last few hours before his surgery, my last time rocking him to sleep, how I'll never see his smile again. I stay up late because I can't heart hurts too much. Why did He have to take MY boy? Travis was so strong.....we thought he'd beat the odds. I banked all of my hopes and dreams on it. Now they are shattered and I am a mess. I feel like I need to talk but I don't want to talk to anyone. I feel tired but I can't sleep. I feel alone but I have Roger and Addie. I feel angry but also blessed. How are you supposed to come to a new normal with all those crazy emotions? How am I supposed to "get away" from all this? It's a nightmare and I am stuck living it.......
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Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Mom and Dad's Letter to Travis

From the moment we found out we were expecting our first baby we were thrilled. I have never seen Roger more excited than the day we found out that our first born baby was a boy. He literally jumped up off the couch from excitement. I cried….happy tears. I was happy and my heart was so full watching Roger beaming with pride. We promptly stocked Travis’ room with every sports themed baby item available. I used to joke….”What if he hates sports? What if he wants to act instead?”. Little did we know that we had much bigger things to be concerned about…

When we found out about Travis’ special heart we were terrified. The day of his diagnosis was a blur…through the tears, we remember the words “there is no cure but there is a well defined surgical approach”. We weren’t sure we were up to this challenge. We questioned a lot. Why us? Could we hand our baby over for surgery after surgery? Is it fair? It took us awhile to accept our fate and we decided that our little dude was going to be a fighter and we were going to fight with him! Little did we know that the next year and a half would take us on the most extreme ride of our lives. This journey was filled with fear, questions, unknowns, sleepless nights, helplessness, anxiety and terrifying medical procedures. But through it all there was hope, laughter and LOVE, lots and lots of love. Love oozed out of us….our family….our friends…. and love oozed out of our boy. He truly was the most loving, joyful, smiley baby boy around. The last 16 months have been the best months of our lives.

Travis had gorgeous eyes, a brilliant smile, he said “melmo” and “brobro” when he saw his favorite characters, he LOVED to dance to New Edition’s Cool It Now, he was SO proud of himself when he learned to throw a ball, he loved being pushed around on his tricycle, he loved to watch people (especially kids), he LOVED chocolate pudding and oreos, he loved to snuggle with mommy, he was addicted to his paci and Yo Gabba Gabba. He loved to chase his dogs all around. He loved water: whether it be swimming classes, a bath or just his dog’s water dish. He had a sassy attitude and a myriad of expressive looks. Man, you could certainly tell what he was thinking! He loved staring contests (even though he ALWAYS lost because he would laugh first) and wasting whole rolls of toilet paper. He loved reading and he knew how to “pray” when it was time for bed. He loved Christmas lights and messing with his new sister. He enjoyed life and brought joy to everyone around him!!! It is amazing how many lives one special little boy can touch!

We wanted to thank all of our friends and family for their support and understanding as we fought alongside our warrior. I know it was difficult for some of you to understand the magnitude of his condition but we so appreciate the prayers and love that you all shared for our boy! Through every surgery and difficult time we felt the love from “Team Travis”. We also want to thank Travis’ doctors and nurses who were so gracious and supportive even when we had a million and one questions and even when we wanted them to hypothesize the “unknowns”. We are not sure that there are adequate words to appropriately thank them. Hopefully, looking around this room at all the love that this one little boy brought to the world is proof that they make a huge difference. Travis was pure joy and we are so very grateful for every minute and every memory we had with him!!

Travis, we promise we will continue to support CHD research that may someday find a cure for all the little special hearts. We promise to keep your memory alive. Your daddy and I will always, always have you in our hearts and in our lives. We will make sure your sister knows just how much you loved her. We will miss you more than we can fathom but we will be okay….we know you would want us to be tough…..just like you, our little warrior. We love you Buggie!

Celebration of Life - Travis Tribute

I was able to upload the video that was played at the Celebration of Life for Travis. I wanted to let everyone watch it who did not have the opportunity to attend.

Click Below

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Seriously, Dress Casual

Just to clarify, you can wear jeans tomorrow. We are wearing nice jeans and red shirts. Roger is wearing an Elmo shirt for his boy. NO BLACK! We want to celebrate his life, not mourn his death!

Wear Red for Travis!

Please remember to to bring a blanket or a chair and your favorite memory of Travis on a 3x5 white index card. Please also dress casual and in wear red.

If you are not able to attend the Celebration of Life please still wear red tomorrow in memory of our boy! Take a picture of yourself and e-mail it to us at We will post it here so we can share everyones love!!!!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Celebration of Life - Music Requests?

If you have specific song that you would like to dedicate to Travis to be played at the celebration of life please e-mail Frank Quinones at Sunset Sound Productions. He is putting together a playlist and wanted to add a special touch to it. You can send him an e-mail at

We have already requested the New Edition classic "Cool it Now." It was Travis' favorite song after he got a bath. For some reason it calmed him down and made the process a lot more fun.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

What ifs....

The what ifs are driving me crazy right now. So many things to wonder about..

What if we didn't agree to surgery on the 17th?
What if we pushed it out to March?
What if he hadn't fully recovered from the croup?
What if he wasn't ready?
What if we had received the message that Mark, our pastor, was outside that morning to pray with us?
What if they had left the breathing tube in longer?
What if he wasn't ready for it to come out?
What if I hadn't traded with Roger that morning at 5am to go sleep?
What if I had just stayed there and held his hand myself?
What if they hadn't tried to have me hold him before he coded?
What if the had pout pace maker wires in?
What if they hadn't sedated him quite as much?
What if he was scared when he opened his eyes that next day?
What if his last conscious memory was one of fear?
What if he doesn't understand why we had him and put him through all this?
What if he's angry at us?
What if there is no heaven?