Friday, February 17, 2012

One Year

One year. 365 days. 8760 hours…..since I last held my baby. We were terrified driving to the hospital. We had a bad feeling about it. We were there early and Travis was the cutest in his jammies snuggling with us as we waited to take him to pre-op. He wanted NOTHING to do with the blood pressure machine, the pulse ox or ANYONE in scrubs. He watched elmo with us while we waited for the paperwork and call time. We kissed him goodbye and he cried in the arms of the nurse all the way down the hall. We kept it together until the doors shut. It would be 10 hours until we saw him again. His surgeon was haggard looking but pleased with the surgery. How could we have known that things would change so drastically during extubation. We would never see him awake and alert again. 48 hours later, he was gone.

It is so hard to live with this pain. Nobody can understand it. It affects every aspect of your life. It rips the joy from everything. It changes you. It damages you. It cannot be repaired. People ignore it.

But we have to live it.

We live it in every family photo. We live it in every other CHD warrior. We live it in every smile Addie gives us…her smile so achingly like her Bro-Bros. We live it in all the “What Ifs”. We live it in all the regret. We live it every time anyone asks about our kids, or how many kids we have. We live it when people talk about their son(s) as if we never had one. We live it in every birthday. In every little boy we see. In every one of those shattered dreams we had and all the hope we held.

I miss my boy.

The depth of that statement is more than I can ever fully express.

Watching Elmo and holding onto his Brobee toy.
Daddy and his boy waiting to go back to pre-op
Trying to entertain my boy so he wasn't scared.


  1. Love you Travis, Roger&Nicole, Addie Sue, and Peanut #3 ... ALWAYS !! xo

  2. Dear DiCarlo Family,
    Hello!! You don't know me, I am a long time friend of Sara Hale's, I just wanted to send thoughts and prayers your way on this difficult day, I am brought to tears everytime I read about or see a picture of your sweet Travis, no parent should have to suffer the loss of a child, I am amazed at you heart families, your strength is unmatched, it is nice to see such loving support in your community of heart parents!! God bless you always! and congrats on your weight loss!! Such an inspiration!!
    Anne Henry

  3. So well written. I have tears in my eyes and my heart aches as I remember those days. Coming to your house Wednesday night to pray before his surgery on Thursday, Mark coming down to Children's Thursday morning but not able to find you so he prayed in the lobby, being so encouraged after surgery that things went well and Travis looked so good, and then the call from Sue Friday afternoon telling us something was wrong so we hurried down to the hospital. I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could take away the awful pain, but I will forever cherish the memories of one amazing little boy who impacted so many people in his short life and continues to impact people today!! ♥

  4. Love and care to you, Nicole to Roger, to all in your family who are living this one-year memory and holding deep sorrow instead of your wonderful little boy. I read your words and my heart aches... My thoughts are with you this weekend. <3 Travis <3