Monday, October 29, 2012

Through Rose Colored Glasses

You'd never know how difficult it is to not expect the worst...unless you've been in my shoes.

Once you're on this side of life things are different.  This side....this "I've lived the nightmare" side.  This less than rosy colored view of the world.  It's tainted.  It's suspicious.  It's worst case scenarios.  It's I'm not enough.

I want to be one of THOSE people.  People who always seem happy.  People who can always look at the bright side.   I admire those who have gone through heavy things and can still slap on a smile.

I try.

At times, things seem as good as they can be.  I am really enjoying my new job and coworkers.  My girls are growing and thriving.  Roger and I are together.  We are living.   Travis shows me he's here with all these interesting connections he is creating and revealing to me.

It's sad that even with all that I am always on edge.  Always waiting for the bad news.  Always anticipating negative responses.  Anticipating the break in relationships.  Expecting people to tire of my life and the history I carry with me.   Maybe that is why I am so emotional.

I feel things so deeply.  I try not to show it.  My face is WAY too expressive.

I have good people in my life.   Truly.  People who just show up, bring coffee, call/text.  People I've only recently met who ask about Travis or offer a hug at just the right time.  People who seek me out to check on me or just chat.  They are there on tough days...on not so tough days.  I don't have to ask.

Yet, I catastrophize everything.  Why?

I look for the bad in things.  I worry that my relationships with people are not being genuine.  I worry that I am not living up to expectations...CONSTANTLY.   I put so much stock into proving a mother, as a wife, as an employee, as a friend, as a woman. It is so much pressure.  It's taxing.  I wish I could just trust that I AM ENOUGH.

I want to go back to my rosy, even if naive, view of the world.  I want to live in that world where things like this don't happen to people.

1 comment:

  1. Know this, dear friend...we are not just here because we want to support you (which, of course, we do). We are not here for you out of a sense of obligation. We are here because WE WANT TO BE. We are here because of WHO YOU ARE. You knew some of us when Roger, Travis, Addi, & Brynn were just a "someday". Back then, just as now, you drew people to you with your outgoing personality, leadership, sense of humor, generosity, loyalty...I could go on and on. We are here now because we love you, Roger, Travis, Addi, & Brynn. We are here because, although we know you are hurting, you continue to shine. You may not feel it, but we see it. We are here because we know you would do the same. We are here because of your heart.