The social worker asked if we wanted the blanket he was wrapped in. She asked us to wait in the lobby. We sat there....in the same lobby where just a couple days ago we had waited with our boy for his 4th surgery. He was so full of life. We were so full of hope.
Now, we were all empty.
The social worker and transplant coordinators came out with some things for us. Among them, the blanket he last was wrapped in. They also presented us with a medal. The medal signified that Travis was a hero and gave the ultimate sacrifice. They promised to call once they all arrived at UCLA. With our family, we walked out of the hospital. We were all broken. I'm not even sure how we had the strength to physically move. I just wanted to stay there. If I didn't leave maybe all this would go away.
We went home and spent that evening sleeping/sobbing/waiting for a call. The next morning we received a call from the transplant coordinator. She had horrible news. Once they got to UCLA it was determined that his organs were sicker than they had thought. They were unable to transplant them. She assured us that Travis was still a hero and will always be for our choice to donate. Our hearts sank. As if things could get any worse. She mentioned that they would still use his eyes at the eye bank for research and such. His beautiful green/blue sparkly eyes. I remember just being a mess. How could God not at least give us this gift? I GAVE UP a chance to hold my boy wire free for this most precious gift and it didn't even happen. I still have such anger over this. I know that we tried our best.
The last several posts are some of the details of Travis' last days. Living it was painful. Revisiting it is also painful. I guess I just wanted people to see just all my sweet guy went through. How strong he really was an how much our family sacrificed. These memories run through my head often. It is a miracle that grieving parents can even get out of bed, let alone try and function. We are constantly haunted by this....constantly reminded.....constantly in pain.....constantly living half in this world and half with our baby in spirit. It is exhausting.
Missing you more than you will ever know Mr. Man. <3<3<3