Our extended family is hurting so bad right now because I think in a way they were all in a bit of denial of how fragile our boy was. We KNEW because we were there in the hospital fighting his battles with him.....we watched the lines on the monitors......we saw his SAT's fluctuate......we were acutely aware of what havoc an infection could wreak. We had to accept his mortality before he was even born. That is something no one else could ever understand unless they too have had a child as frail. It's not that his death is easy but it helps us to focus on his life. We had 16 amazing, wonderful, un-promised months with him. We couldn't be more grateful for the time we did get to have with our miracle boy. Our hearts are hurting so deeply but we keep remembering all the joy he has brought to our lives....and that is bringing us some peace.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
We Were Never Promised a Forever
When Roger and I found out about Travis' heart condition we made the decision to continue the pregnancy knowing that our time with him may be limited. We hoped and prayed for his time here on earth to be long but we always knew, in the back of our minds, that the reality was that we probably would not be able to see him have children of his own. I used to have dreams about what his memorial service would look like, what songs would play, and who would come. They were morbid dreams but they were our reality. We lived that reality every day. When I would be so tired after work I would try my best to muster up energy to play and hang out with my boy. When he was super cranky, I would use every bit of patience I had to handle him.....because I knew, he was fragile and that it might be our last time together. Maybe this knowing prepared us a bit for his death.