Sunday, February 3, 2013

4-6 minutes

There are days when even normal activity is haunted by the horrible memories of your final days.

Friday at work, I attended a CPR/First Aid class.  This is something I've done many times.  It didn't even occur to me how difficult it would be to talk about the things that class includes after I lived through your nightmare.

4-6 minutes....the time it takes for brain damage to occur without oxygen

The instructor kept talking about it.  So nonchalantly.  I wanted to scream at her.  I wanted to scream at everyone there for squirming at the thought of actually having to deal with a scenario like this.  I hate that I live with this constant internal battle not to lose my mind at everyday things.

The day you coded played through my mind in slow motion...... the doctors, the beeping, CPR, the rush in and out, the yelling, the nurse with tears in her eyes saying that she had good "p-waves" the whole time they gave CPR.

40 mins of CPR....too much time...

.....the lone window with rain dripping down as we waited, and waited....your surgeon and his team walking in looking haggard.....defeat in their eyes.....

I tried to deep breathe and look down as the damn video showed children pretending to be unconscious and people coming to their rescue.

....the ECMO tubes in your neck, your poor bruised body....holding your hand.....praying for good news in the coming day.....

God, I wish there had been good news.

This life is hard buddy.  It's so hard without you.

4-6 mins....enough time to completely change your life

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