Monday, March 28, 2011

I Get Angry

I get angry.

I get angry when parents of my students say "That's sad" in response to hearing the news. Really, that is all you've got? Yeah, it is sad. Beyond sad. Incomprehensible, really.

I get angry when people compare the death of a parent to our is totally different. Children are not supposed to die first. I've lost both a parent AND a child and I can safely say it is different. Please don't compare it......

I get angry when I see the clothes hanging in his closet that he will never wear.

I get angry when I see people at a restaurant losing patience with their kid. I would give anything to be frustrated with Travis....

I get angry that Addie has to grow up without her brother. She was supposed to have him as her guide.

I get angry that my mom is hurting so much. She was sooo happy to become a Nana.

I get angry that God took Roger's boy. I know he dreamed of doing "boy things" with Travis and I feel like he was robbed. I am so scared that I won't be able to give him another boy.

I get angry when people don't allow us to be neurotic. I lost my son....I am determined to keep my daughter alive. Please understand that I have nightmares about her passing too.

I get angry because I am negative and depressed and sad. Nothing is bringing me joy. I am fearful that my friends will give up on me.

I am angry that I can't stop trying to medicate with food. I want to be healthier for my daughter. I have the best intentions but my emotions ALWAYS get the best of me.

I get angry because I don't know what else to do.....


  1. You get angry...of course you do...and it's more than ok. I'm angry for you. It's what you need. I so wish I could do something for you, anything, to take some of the pain away. But just know in the meantime, that since I can't, I'm thinking about you and praying for you...and will NEVER give up on you. Love you Nicole...

  2. Nicole ... I've lived 28 years with CHD and I'll be honest I didn't get it until I got pregnant myself ... the truth is my daughter only lived in my body 5 months old ... I understand comparing ... because I've had people compare their loss of a child to mine ... I never thought I would be a mother so even though it was only 5 months I wanted people to understand it might be my "lifetime" of parenthood ... please know I also medicated with food ... I've gained 50 pounds in the 15 months since losing my baby ... please know I might not reach out much but I'm here for you ... If you want please send me an email and we can exchange numbers or something ... anything that will help you through this because I know when it happened to me ... "That's sad" or "You'd never want your baby to be like you!" or whatever dumb things people say to make themselves feel better actually made me feel worse ... please know I'm praying for you ... I'm so sorry for your loss and your families loss and I know that words of comfort don't really give comfort but I would like to be a friend and offer it as much as I can ... <3

  3. I know we don't know each other, but I pray for you and your family often. I get angry too. Angry that Caleb never got to meet his big sister, that I never got to change a diaper, or feed him. I wish I could bring sweet Travis back for you. Lots of hugs.

  4. Oh my beautiful daughter, you have every right to be angry...very angry at everything and everybody, even God! It is so much a part of the tremendous grieving you are going through. Nothing will help you through and it breaks me that know one, especially me, can help you through this. Just know that I feel every heartache you feel. I love you honey!

  5. True friends will never, never, ever give up on you. No words I type can bring you comfort, so instead I will continue to pray that the Lord will wrap you in his arms and carry you and relieve you of the pain and horrible nightmares about losing Addie too and everything else that is hurting you. I wish so badly I could help take that pain away.

  6. The thing I admire about you most is your honesty! I adore both of you and I promise to be here for you always. I don't always know what to say or how to comfort you but I will always treat you like you are my friends and we will continue to love you! I think about you both everyday and wonder how you are making it through...I can't even begin to imagine the pain but I'm here for you today and forever! Love you my friends! xoxo

  7. I am so sorry. It is more than sad and it is horrible... just beyond words. You have every right to feel how you feel. I wish I could say more, I read your blog and I am left with a pit in my stomach. I don't know much to say but I want you to know I am thinking of you and praying for you. I am so sorry.

  8. I followed your blog after your cousin asked for prayers for your sweet, beautiful, precious boy. He is so perfect and anger is more than appropriate. I wish so badly that I can change what happened, its not fair. I dont think this means much and might sound kinda strange since u dnt kno me but I think and pray about you and your fam daily. I feel so much heartache for u guys, again it is not fair and im just speechless other than you continue to be in our prayers.

  9. Nicole, you have every right to be feeling everything you are feeling. And it actually is making me quite angry that you feel some people think you are crazy for feeling like that. I say you don't need those people in your life. You just lost a child - something I cannot comprehend, but ever since Travis passed not a day has gone by that I don't think about my own childrens' mortality and it scares me to death. It's not something you get over...

    I can only hope that with time your pain becomes less, but please don't ever change the way you feel for fear of offending others. You and your beautiful family are in my thoughts.

    p.s. It's because of you and Travis that I am trying to be a better parent. I am guilty of losing patience with my kids and I feel awful about it.

  10. Dear Nicole,

    There are not many of us who have been blessed with knowing exactly what to say for any occasion. Knowing how to respond to others who have suffered a loss through death is probably the most awkward for the majority of people. Knowing what is appropriate to say and what is appropriate to do to show support and understand is difficult, as each of us handles grief in our own way. Forgive others for being awkward and inept in trying to connect with you somehow in your loss, forgive yourself for being angry and depressed, and find hope in knowing this will pass. It takes time and that time varies for each of us, but each of us will travel through all the stages of grief. You're heading toward the upward turn.

    Still praying for you and your family.

  11. Praying for you and your fam. This is the worst devastating outcome you can possibly go through. It is not the same as worrying about your kids mortality you wish that was your problem... I know I did not like people comforting me with their own worries because they cant stand the thought of my reality. It was not comforting to know they hold their kids tighter, maybe that is bitter but at the time that is how I felt. This may not be how you feel but we all have our own way of dealing with such a devastating, life changing loss and you cant be wrong for how you feel. Its a life long process.

  12. I am so sorry as a friend if I have made you angry. Please understand as friend we are trying as best as possible to support you and Roger and the majority of us do not know what you are going through, we try to imagine it but can not. Some us have kids and the passing of our own we can somewhat imagine and some of us do not have a child yet try to compare to see if we can try to connect with you. Please understand as friend we love you and will never give up on you and yes we may say awkward thing but it is never with the intent to hurt you and your family but rather try to let you know we are there. You as a parent have every right to be mad and angry and all the feelings are okay but as friends that have not gone through what you have want to try to comfort you and not have those feeling. We understand you will never be the same but as we will always be the same friend. We love you and you family and will support you in any way possible, if we are not supporting you correctly...PLEASE LET US KNOW so we can, no one wants to hurt you! Love and support always!