Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Get Away

So, we had this great idea to "get away" and relax for few days. Like that can happen.....

What we wanted to do was get away from our thoughts! Unfortunately, it looks like that is impossible. Every activity, every song we hear, every store we go into.....something reminds us that he is gone and never coming back. We've been doing a great job of" acting normal". I hardly ever cry in public (except when the massage lady asks how many kids I have) but my mind is constantly on him. I run through those last few hours before his surgery, my last time rocking him to sleep, how I'll never see his smile again. I stay up late because I can't heart hurts too much. Why did He have to take MY boy? Travis was so strong.....we thought he'd beat the odds. I banked all of my hopes and dreams on it. Now they are shattered and I am a mess. I feel like I need to talk but I don't want to talk to anyone. I feel tired but I can't sleep. I feel alone but I have Roger and Addie. I feel angry but also blessed. How are you supposed to come to a new normal with all those crazy emotions? How am I supposed to "get away" from all this? It's a nightmare and I am stuck living it.......
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  1. I know these feelings all too well, and wish I could give you a big hug. Not long after Caleb passed, I felt that if I got out of my state, I would be able to escape all the thoughts and emotions. But it all followed me to my hometown, and he will always be with me. Lots of love.

  2. "I feel like I need to talk but I don't want to talk to anyone."
    -You aren't alone in that thought. It's so hard to admit's something I can't even say to my husband. My heart aches for you. I pray for your peace daily.

  3. Nicole,

    You don't know me from Adam, but I found your blog through another heart mom. I sat here for an hour trying to think of what to put that would remotely encourage you in some way, and can't think of anything that someone else hasn't already said.

    You're words are heartbreaking and I cannot express how sorry I am to know how much you are hurting every single day. I pray that Jesus can help lighten your load in some miraculous way. I know Travis is never forgotten through you & through Addie. Please know that your family is being prayed for.

    Much love!

  4. Nicole,

    I know there is nothing I can say that will remotely make you feel better, but I will always be here for whatever you need and will be here when you need someone to talk to or if you just need someone to not talk to!

    Love you!

  5. i fell in love with your boy in the 20 minute had him for 16 months. i know the love was unexplainable.
    i will go to sleep tonight thinking of you, your family & travis.
    i will also hug my boy tighter and keep him close to me tonight. life is precious and we never know when we wont have that innocent little human being to cuddle with.
    you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  6. I too fell in love with Travis, he is a precious, special angel and I cant imagine what u r feeling if complete strangers have been changed by him and hurt for him. Its just not fair, unexplainable, this should not happen. Just know your family is in the hearts and prayers of many.

  7. I am so so sorry for what you are suffering. It is unimaginable that you won't be with Travis again in this world. He was so very much ALIVE. It is impossible to imagine. I wish you peace as you move forward however you can. People who have been through this before -- not me -- say it does get easier, even if the pain is always there. I hope that for you. Please be kind to yourself and get whatever help you can -- from clergy, friends, therapy, a support group, a punching bag -- whatever can help you breathe. Honestly, I don't know how I would even breathe if this happened to me, unless I had a second child to live for, I guess. The thought of rocking my baby to sleep for the last time takes my breath away. I definitely hold my child closer because I know of Travis -- but what a cruel comfort for you, who hope to hold Travis in your arms too. I will never forget your beautiful boy and I will keep you all in my prayers. Molly

  8. Ouch, Nicole. My heart aches. Literally. I love you, Sister.

  9. Hi, im just another sttanger that followed your blog from a friend before your sweet boy went to heaven. We prayed so hard for Travis and yout fam and I just want u to kno we are still praying hard for you and your husband and fam. Your precious beautiful perfect lil angel has never left my mind and this hits me because while I am not a heart mom, I am a mom of a lil boy and I have felt anger and despair knowing parents have to go through this. God was Travis so perfect, I hate that this happen to u. Well I kno u dont kno me but I hate that I cant fix this for u. U r such beautiful parents and people. So I inspired by your precious angel to make people aware of these babies that parents are losing way too soon. I want and will help bring awareness and hopefully money for research, I have no other connection to heart community but I am sure I can find ways to help raise money and I will for Travis. So if anyone has any suggestions of where to donate etc. but i can also find online. Sorry so long but your story stirred up a passion in me for these precious heart babies and parents. Im so very sorry to you, nicole and roger. Travis was so perfect and our prayers for your fam as u try to cope...again sry so long

  10. u will be together some day Nicole , your little angel is in heaven right know and I'm sure that he misses u like u do .
    you need to be strong like he was !!
    you can do it , I'm still didn't understand why in children's hospital they always took lots of time to do what they need to do.
    U are not alone , if u need to cry , then cry
    don't hold anything
    lots of hugs