A field of memories.

Then (2/11/11)

Now (10/1/11)

This past weekend Nicole and I had to go to a function by the park next to the duck pond in Temecula. As soon as I heard that it was going to be there I panicked a little bit. One of my favorite memories of Travis happened on the last day I was there.

The last time I went there was one of my favorite days of being a dad. It was George Washington's Birthday, Friday, February 11 and we had no school. (Nicole had to work) So Travis, Addison and I had the day to ourselves.

On this day we didn't have anything planned, but just to spend it together. We woke up and hung out on be like we did many times. We finally got up and left the house. We went to Babies R Us and did some shopping. On the way out we ran into Terrell Davis (NFL Superstar) and had Travis take a picture with him. I thought it would be so cool to tell Travis stories about Terrell when he got older, but never got the chance.

I then remember going to Daphne's Greek Cafe and sharing lunch with my boy. The manager took care of us and was so nice to us. He gave us a side of rice for Travis on the house, just because Travis gave him his trademark smile. Travis was so much fun during lunch just eating up his rice and some of my gyro pita. Travis was enjoying standing up in the booth and smiling at all the people. Travis had the ability to make people smile. His smile was infectious and even grumpy people would look at him and smile. He had a gift.

After lunch, I packed both kids in the car and that is when I got the phone call that changed our lives forever. It was the phone call from the surgeon's office scheduling his surgery. They gave us some options on the dates, Thursday February 17th or sometime in March. We chose the earlier date, because we were told that he needed the surgery and the sooner the better. I remember Nicole telling me that it was less than a week away and us both freaking out.

After getting off the phone with Nicole and having the surgery date set, I decided to take Travis and Addie over to the duck pond. We have taken him there before and he loved to look at the ducks. He was so observant and never wanted to miss a thing. I fed the ducks so they would come close to him and he loved it so much. As we were walking to the van, I saw this big park with beautiful green grass and thought it would be a perfect picture opportunity. It is adjacent to the duck pond and is just really a nice area. I put Travis in the middle of the field and snapped up some pics. We then spent a little time playing in the park and then took off home.

I had a great day with my boy and my girl. Although Addison slept through most of the day, it was really the last time that I had the opportunity to be with both of them by myself. I am so grateful to have had that special day with my kids.

I only wish that we could have just one more day together.

I love you and miss you son.

Dad.

Travis hanging out in bed

Addison was so little back in February

Travis (Our MVP) and Terrell Davis (Super Bowl MVP)

Travis checking out the ducks

Travis just being Travis

Reflection - Lessons from Travis

As everybody is thinking of the ten year anniversary of 9/11. I am unable to get past the past year. I miss my boy a ton and he is still the first thought on my mind in the morning and the last at night. We have decided to let Addison play with Travis' favorite toy. I was able to capture video of her using it today and it reminded me of a video that I never posted. I put this together today in honor of my boy.

Giving Back in Honor of Travis' 2nd Birthday

Roger and I wanted to do something special to honor and remember Travis as he celebrates his second birthday in Heaven. So, we are gathering friends and family to provide dinner and activities to the families staying at the Ronald McDonald House in San Diego. The Ronald McDonald house holds a special place in our hearts as we spent 68 nights there as Travis fought his brave battles!

The Ronald McDonald House Charities® of San Diego provides a home-away-from-home for families with a hospitalized child being treated for a serious, often life-threatening illness or injury at local hospital.

I do not have all the details worked out yet but please let me know if you are interested in helping out. We will need help in the following areas:
* meal prep
* serving
* clean up
* working the activities table for the children (I was thinking
maybe Halloween masks)
* someone who would be interested in doing a couple read
alouds of Travis' favorite stories
* donation of plates, forks, knives, cups, etc.
* monetary donations for purchase of food, etc (all
remaining funds will go directly to RMH)
* decorations

If you are interested in helping please copy and paste this link into your browser (it'll take you to the event page on FB):

https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=221160514598096

When you RSVP please let me know in what capacity you will be willing to help us honor our Miracle Angel. Also, if you have any creative ideas for the evening, let me know. They tell us to prepare food for 160 people so we need a lot of help! We will be cooking Mexican inspired food.

This will be a difficult, difficult time for us but we know that this will be a rewarding and loving way to celebrate Travis' birthday. It brings us comfort to know we will be surrounded by friends/family and helping others who are this familiar situation!

NOTE: We are limited to the number of people who can cook/serve so we will have to take volunteers for that based on order of response. Thanks! ♥

NOTE #2: All of the food has to be prepared in a "Health Department Approved kitchen" and therefore it will need to be prepared and cooked AT THE McDonald house. So, no cooking at home :( Sorry

"How are you doing?"

That is the million dollar question.

Some people ask, some people are too nervous.

Some people can handle the real answer, most can't.

To put it simply: we are getting by.

Roger and I both see therapists both together and separately and although I dread going, I always come out feeling a tad better. We talk to them about our guilt, the massive guilt that comes with death. We talk to them about our memories. We talk to them about the impact of this loss on our relationship and on Addie. We talk to them about our shattered dreams. Mostly, we just talk.

Most days we walk around in this melancholic daze. I told my therapist the other day that I just feel as if nothing gives me real joy anymore. I can't live in the moment. I'm always regretting the past or looking forward to that day that we see Travis again. I am not sure if you looked at us you could tell.

WE DO A GOOD JOB OF PRETENDING.

We do it. We do it for Addie. We do it because we don't want to burden our friends and family. We do it so we don't scare our friends who have babies walking the same journey that Travis did.

It takes a lot of energy to go about pretending that all is okay. A friend recently asked me "What percentage of your thoughts throughout the day are about Travis?" I thought this was such an interesting question. I wonder if people are surprised by the answer. I came up with 85% of my thoughts. His life is still very much intertwined in mine. Not all of my thoughts of him are sad ones. I have many happy memories too!

Your heart is split between this world and that world. I am engaged in Addie and engaged in my grief /memories. Multitasking in this manner wears at you. It strips you of your ability to concentrate. I rips away your energy. It strains your relationships. So, we give it all we got. We do our best. We get by.

Fall is coming and that means we will be faced with all the things we are missing out on....Travis' 2nd birthday.....the Holidays. Thinking about going through all those without him is horrendous but we will get through it because we need to....he'd want us to and Addie needs us.

Our 4.2 million dollar boy

We have been receiving Travis' medical bills for all of the stays and procedures he had at Rady's (including all of his surgeries, heath catheterizations, and his lengthy stays). The insurance carrier sends us a statement to show us what everything costs and what they pay for. Prior to his death we were constantly receiving bills addressed to "the parents of Travis Gary DiCarlo". Now, we receive them addressed to the estate of Travis Gary DiCarlo. It is ridiculous that we have to receive these......I mean the "estate of"....I suppose there is just no proper way to address the death of a 16 month old. It is just too terrible to imagine.

The mailings have slowed down and it looks like the last bills have rolled in. Today I finally totaled his medical costs during his short life. I kept all of his bills because I wanted to show him when he got older because I thought it was interesting to see how much it all costs. Unfortunately, things turned out for the worst and we have decided to throw them out.

I did total everything and after recording over 300 pages of bills the total was more outstanding than I thought.

His total medical expenses charged by the hospital were:

$4,281,186

Travis was truly priceless and was worth every penny. I miss you son. - DAD

Angels Among Us

Yesterday we saw a spiritual medium. Below is a smidgen of our experience. If this is not something you personally agree with, please keep it to yourself . I went in skeptical and went out a believer!!!!

So, a friend of mine told me her experience with a medium in LA. His name is Tim Braun (http://www.timbraun.net/). Her experience amazed me so I was intrigued. I ended up booking a “spirit circle” with myself, Roger, my mom, sister, and sister’s wife. After introductions (first names) we sat in a circle and he walked us through a short meditation. Then, he started and addressed my mom. He explained that paternal relatives stand to the left of you, maternal to the right, and immediate family behind you. He said he saw a man behind her……it was my dad (her ex-husband). He conveyed my dad’s sass and apologized for not being able to say goodbye. Tim, the medium, gave a lot of information about his death/life, his personality, and the way he dressed. He also said that my dad kept walking back and forth between my mom and Roger (note: He died before I met Roger). Tim said he was slapping Roger on the leg and giving his approval. Then Tim mentioned a maternal grandmother. He didn’t have a lot of information about her but said she talked a lot (which matched her personality). Then, he turned to me. He asked my name again and said he saw a young spirit running circles around me but didn’t know why. He asked if anyone invited a child in. He went on to tell us a lot about Travis (he never said his name though). He said Travis loved us…he said Travis kept touching his head and saying he was okay. Tim said he felt like it was a headache or swelling…..he kept going back to that and he also said that Travis’ death had something to go with not being able to breathe……like water in his lungs. Early on he said Travis was holding his arms up like showing his muscles. Later on Tim mentioned that it was more clear and he was showing his heart and chest were good. He also told us that Travis had a sensitive feminine spirit and was a sweetie. He told us what we already knew, that Travis LOVED water. He loved to swim. He told us that Travis misses his dog (just one of them). He showed us the exact size of our dog and said that the dog can see him and they play together. He said that the dog is sad/sullen because he misses Travis and that the dog’s health is suffering. He told us that when our dog gets sad to pet him and tell him we miss Travis too and that will add some years to his life. He kept telling us that Travis knew what he wanted and kept going to the fan in the room and putting his face in front of it and ignoring him. Tim told us that Travis is not angry with anyone……he said he is not angry with hospital, doctor, etc. He repeatedly told me there was nothing I could do. Tim told exact times he passed away and when we found out. It was crazy. He told us that Roger’s grandmother was the spirit to guide him in. He told us that other spirits were trying to talk to us but my dad’s spirit was telling him to focus on Travis. He continued to go on and on about his head swelling and that Travis was happy and thankful to have lived as long as he did. Tim told us that Travis had 2 extra months and that he was supposed to go 6-8 weeks before his death. Tim told me Travis wanted me to finish the book I am reading (titled Growing Up In Heaven). He also told us that we were so selfless and everything stopped for Travis so he was giving back what we gave him. Tim conveyed messages of caution to Roger. Tim told us that Roger should have died already, in a car accident when he was younger. Tim said he fell asleep at the wheel and that Travis is telling him he needs to be extra careful driving and never ride on a motorcycle or mo-ped. Tim said Travis wanted me to improve my posture (weird!). I’ve had spinal surgeries….so maybe that is what that was all about. He told my mom that Travis is telling her to stay away from smoke and that it is bad. Tim told my sister to take care of her right knee (she’s had 4 surgeries on it). Tim spoke to my mom and conveyed that she was a pushover for Travis (she was) and she doted on every whimper. He also told my mom “You have one remaining granddaughter, right?” Yes. Then he said that Travis was asking to play with her. He said when she is reaching out to midair she is playing with him and trying to get something he has. Tim also told us that Travis is playing with a spirit that has not yet been born and that it will be soon…..to us. He said that this child will have a lot of the same characteristics as Travis. He said Travis was happy and with my dad and Roger’s grandma.

So much more was said. We have it all on tape. He also contacted Roger’s grandmother, Deb’s birth father and her old dog, and my paternal grandpa. We ended with a meditation and goodbyes. I asked if we could do it again and he suggested Roger and I go in for a private reading. I am going to!!! I was skeptical before but I am sold. It was amazing and I feel some peace knowing that Travis can hear me and he is around. I just miss him so much! I am so happy he is happy and with my dad.

‎"Make yourself familiar with the angels, and behold them
 frequently in spirit; for without being seen, they are present with you."
-Saint Francis de Sales

Cobwebs

Every night I rock Addie to sleep in Travis' room. We light a candle, sit on his floor, read some books, and then she drinks a bottle as I rock her and think.

Tonight I saw a cobweb from his bed to wall.

A FUCKING cobweb....on my son's bed. Because he doesn't sleep there.....because it isn't used....because he is dead.

This is all really unfair. I continue to wonder....why us? Why him?

We received a couple of handmade quilts recently for Addie. They are beautiful and have her BroBro's pictures on them and special quilt squares that will allow her to remember special memories we share with him. They are gorgeous. It pains me, however, to think of Addie as a 10 year old asking about her sweet brother. What do you say? How can you explain all this to a child?

The other day I as looking for the sheet for our pack and play. I opened Travis' closet and saw his brown striped outfit in his hamper. It is the last thing (besides pj's) that he wore. We haven't washed it...I just can't. It's unbelievably painful to look at that outfit and remember all the fun we had the night before his surgery....the last night his would ever see his sister. The last night we would ever se "him" (acting normally at home).

My heart just aches. I am just so broken.