Tuesday, July 12, 2011


Every night I rock Addie to sleep in Travis' room. We light a candle, sit on his floor, read some books, and then she drinks a bottle as I rock her and think.

Tonight I saw a cobweb from his bed to wall.

A FUCKING cobweb....on my son's bed. Because he doesn't sleep there.....because it isn't used....because he is dead.

This is all really unfair. I continue to wonder....why us? Why him?

We received a couple of handmade quilts recently for Addie. They are beautiful and have her BroBro's pictures on them and special quilt squares that will allow her to remember special memories we share with him. They are gorgeous. It pains me, however, to think of Addie as a 10 year old asking about her sweet brother. What do you say? How can you explain all this to a child?

The other day I as looking for the sheet for our pack and play. I opened Travis' closet and saw his brown striped outfit in his hamper. It is the last thing (besides pj's) that he wore. We haven't washed it...I just can't. It's unbelievably painful to look at that outfit and remember all the fun we had the night before his surgery....the last night his would ever see his sister. The last night we would ever se "him" (acting normally at home).

My heart just aches. I am just so broken.


  1. Nicole, I am broken for you tonight. That picture, of the 4 of you together, just brings me to tears every time I see it. It is so beautiful. It just captures the radiance that was your family. I am so sorry Nicole. Crying for you tonight. Love you all so much.

  2. smell the clothes, i bet they smell like him...sorry if it sounds odd, but smells are powerful memory joggers. this will give you just a little piece of him, just for a moment. To help you through the day!

  3. Kelly in Seattle, WAJuly 13, 2011 at 11:05 AM

    I watched Travis's tribute video the other day. What an amazing little boy. He has such a spirit. I think of your family and Travis often. I am so sorry for your loss. It's just not 'bleeping' fair.

    Love and hugs (and many many tears),

  4. Hi
    My name is Jenna and I came across your site. It is sad to hear another child lost his battle to a disease. He was an inspirational hero and still is in heaven. You and your family will be in my thoughts. I was born with a rare life threatening disease, and i love it when people sign my guestbook. www.miraclechamp.webs.com

  5. You are amazing, and this isn't fair.

  6. My heart aches for your precious family. You are amazing parents and I just dont understand why you had to lose your sweet boy. You are lucky to say he was yours but I question my faith when I see the pain you are going through. I am so sorry and I hope you keep finding bits of relief from your heartwrenching grief.