I love you so much and I wish that just for one more time I could hold your sweet little cheek against mine and sing "you are my sunshine" as we rock to sleep.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
This is Gonna Damn Near Kill Me
I "celebrated" my birthday yesterday Travis. I use that term loosely. It was a hard day. I just miss you so much. Having a birthday meant remembering YOUR birthday. Having a birthday reminded me that I have to live my next year without you. A friend dropped off a little gift to me after school, it reminded me of when you and I took her cupcakes last year. It was the first time she had met you. Lots of my coworkers ran out to take a peak at you. You just sat in your car seat so smiley and alive. Yesterday, daddy bought me a little present. First, a picture of He and Addie in a frame. It hurt me so much that our new family photos won't include you. He also got me a heart keychain engraved with your name and "forever in our hearts". It pained me to read that. I don't want you in my heart, I want you in my arms. Travis, we all went out to dinner. It was also rough. Mommy is so short on patience these days. I just don't want to deal with anything. I just don't want to live this life without you. Your sister has your same smiley personality but even that doesn't pull me out of my funk. We also had a birthday party for your daddy and I on Friday. It took my mind of you for a little bit....when the guests left the sadness came back. I felt guilty for even having a party. I mean, I am not at all happy. I am not sure what I was even thinking. Your daddy and I are just trying to fill our time with "stuff". I've planned many things just to keep busy......just to keep moving. We don't understand when people call us strong or tell us we are an inspiration. We have no choice Buggy. We either live with the sadness or die. There is no in between. We have no choice.
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I am so sorry. This is not fair. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know that doesn't really help, but it is all I can do.ReplyDelete
Nicole, never ever forget the little guy, but dont let the heart ache surround you so as not to evjoy what God has also given you. A wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter. They will never replace Travis never, but they are still here and they need all that you have to offer them. Travis will be waiting for his mommy again. He will help you. Look up to heaven often and remind yourself that this is not the end but the beginning to finish your lives here on earth and once again hold your baby boy all healthy one more time someday. We dont know how to confort a mother who has lost a child none of us its up to you. love rita jens mom.ReplyDelete
My heart breaks for you. You are in my prayers.ReplyDelete
I love you.ReplyDelete
The guilt and pain and the feeling of just wanting to die will not go away on its own. You have to phisically and mentally work at it. As if u dont have enough to deal with, it is not something that goes away with time, it never goes away but u have to push through each moment of despair with good thoughts and you have to always know that you will be whole again when you are reunited with your precious boy. If u dont have faith in that then you will never be able to enjoy anything. I am so sorry and I will always have your family in my prayers...for this lifetimeReplyDelete
I know there is nothing anyone on this side of heaven can do to help you though this, but I want you to know we love you and are here for you!! Prayers to you, Roger and Addie!!ReplyDelete