Wednesday, April 27, 2011

An Empty Room

Dear Travis,

Your sister is sleeping and I'm sitting in your room right now. Rocking in your chair. I haven't been able to bring myself to sit in here for awhile now. It hurts. I miss you. Daddy and I put all your favorite things in your crib so you could see them. Your paci is in there, your Brobee bath toy, you sports blanket, the jammies you last wore, the elmo toy we bought you during your last surgery that we just knew you would love. You never got to play with that Elmo, baby boy. You hadn't really woken up enough when everything happened. Do you know how much time mommy and daddy put into this room for you before you were born? We painted the letters and the walls. We argued over nick nacks and what is appropriate for a little boys room. Daddy wanted to put ALL of his basketball stuff in here....mommy had to talk him out of it. I did, however, let him name the stupid horse we bought you at Walmart.....Zenyata. You did get to go see Zenyata race so, it was only fitting.

The box from the hospital is still on your dresser. Mommy can't even open it. I know your handprints are in there....the ones we took after you passed. The little hearts we made for your sister are in there. Your hospital bracelet and you donor medal are in there too. I bet not many people know that they put all those memory making things in there for you when you lose your baby. You leave the hospital with it. A box. A freaking box is all I have left of you Travis.

I've been thinking we need to get your sister into a nightly routine before she is too old and stubborn. I just can't bring myself to do it. The only rocking chair we have is in your room. The bookshelf with all the books is in your room. I think about how you and I would sit on the floor and read a few books. You'd listen as you drank your milk from your sippy cup. We always ended on Night, Night Prayer. I love how you would lean against me. Then we'd brush your teeth and snuggle together as I rocked. I always sang you "You Are My Sunshine". I imagine that I want to have a similar routine for Addie. Buggy, will you be angry? If I read her your books is that okay? I will find a different book to end with....I just can't open Night, Night Prayer....I think a couple pages are still stuck together from your milk. I have to pick another song for her is just too painful.

I don't even know what to do with your room. I can imagine we will just leave it that way it is until we welcome another baby into our family. Then, gosh.....just the thought of having to put away your things kills me. You and your things belong here baby boy. By the way....your sister weighs 17.9lbs now. She is wearing size 3 diapers....that is the size you were wearing. She is using that box of diapers I bought for you the Sunday before your surgery. It is hard to imagine that in a month or so she will weigh as much as you did. Daddy and I were talking and we just remember you bigger. I think that had a lot to do with your personality (larger than life) and our love for you! Addie, although big, doesn't do much yet and it makes our house so lonely. I miss having to clean up all your messes. Your tricycle is still sitting right where you left it and I can imagine that you miss it. I hope Heaven has one with a bell, just like yours.

Travis, I never realized just how painful the "what ifs" would be. Daddy and I constantly ask questions about our choices. We researched, we asked questions, we thought we made the best choices for you. We have to go back to the hospital soon and talk to your surgeon to get the results of your autopsy. I am praying that there is an unavoidable reason for why you were stolen from us. I can't imagine how we will live if it was some sort of error in judgement. To be frank.....I just can't imagine how will we live.....regardless.

I love you Buggy....and I miss you. I hope you know just how much your memory is alive!!!!!


  1. My heart aches for you, Nicole. I read your blog and the tears just flow so uncontrollably. I cannot imagine the pain that you are enduring right now and I wish so much that you didn't have to go through it. I never had the priveledge to meet Travis, but feel as though I got to know him through the stories you've shared. He is such a special boy and I hope you don't mind that I talk to him in heaven during my prayers. Not a day goes by I don't think of you and Travis. You are in my heart and I wish so much that things were different. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

  2. The path of grief is a long and winding road, full of twists and turns and everyones journey is different. I pray that you find a small measure of peace today in whatever you find yourself doing. I am sure that your sweet boy would be proud of you! There are no words that I can say to you to ease your pain but know that I am thinking about you all. Wishing you all the strength you need to get you through the day. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.

    With warm wishes and love,

    Lynda (South Africa)

  3. I am so sorry, no parent should have to go through such a devastating loss. I dont know u personally but I fell in love with your lil guy during his journey and I hate that he was taken from you. We pray for your family daily and I think of Travis all the time, just yesterday I saw a boy in an elmo shirt at the zoo and I thought of Travis so I cant imagine your pain, all I can do is pray and let his story shape my life in a way to honor him. he will always be remembered, even by lots of strangers. Your story and your beautiful boy even changed my career path so he is still changing lives. God I pray for some relief for these parents. Please carry them at this point, they need and deserve it. Lots of love and prayers to you, your husband and family

  4. I read about your angel on Krystal Clausens blog. I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you lots of prayers.