Team Travis: Going Through the Motions

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Going Through the Motions

It has been almost two months since Travis passed away. God, I can't believe it has been that long since I have kissed my sweet little boy. It feels like every day my heart is getting heavier. It is hard to have the energy to do much of anything lately. We get up, go to work, come home, and repeat. All of the joy we had is missing. Even Addie isn't snapping me out of my funk lately. I feel so guilty to even say this but my bond with Travis was deeper. Maybe because of the situation, maybe because he was my first born, maybe because he was older and full of spunk. I don't know. He and I just had a special connection.

I feel like such a failure right now. I feel like things are just spinning around and I can't get anything done. I want to be a good mother to Addie but I feel like I can't be. I am very protective of her and concerned for her safety but I just don't want to care for her right now. Does that make any sense? A friend of mine said she imagines that it is similar to post partum depression.....wanting to be the best mom but you just can't. I hate this! I feel so guilty because she deserve so much more from me. She is the cutest thing but everything about her reminds me of Travis. And I feel guilty for feeling this way. My grief comes with SO.MUCH.GUILT! The depths of that I am not ready to get into but it is crippling.

I get online in the evenings and read blogs. Today I read a heart blog and I was so sad to see that the blogs of all my Sisters By Heart were on their blog roll except those of us who lost our HLHS babies. How sad is that? Now, the story of Travis and this blog has turned into one of those blogs that I didn't want to read when I was pregnant. You know, the ones that don't turn out the way you want them too.

I started a Facebook page for mommas who lost their heart babies. We all share things on there that we weren't comfortable sharing with heart mommas that have their babies. Recently people were posting pictures of their baby's headstones. I can't even believe I am living in this reality where I have to look at those and share what we did for Travis. Some days are just to much for me. I don't want to be on this side of HLHS. I want to be where we were. I want Travis here with me. I don't want people to admire me for my strength in losing a child. I want to be admired for being a good mother to living children. I just want to wake up one day and not have such a heavy heart.

Every song on the radio reminds me of my beautiful boy. This lyrics sticks out to me right now:

"But I know soon we'll be together
And I can't wait till then
I can't wait till then"

I just wish things were different. Wish we were on the other side of all this.....

4 comments:

Amy BennettApril 10, 2011 at 1:59 PM
Nicole, my heart is so heavy for you right now. I so wish I could so something, anything, to change the circumstances, to bring Travis back to you. This is so profoundly unfair. It's not fair that Travis isn't here and other heart babies are. It's not fair that Travis went through the hell he went through and still didn't make it. It's not fair that you have to battle through what you're feeling to be with your daughter. I mean, good Lord, isn't it enough that you're dealing with all of this grief - and then to throw in guilt??? Damn. Sorry - the unfairness of it is just pissing me off. I wish there was something I could do to help you get through this, to the other side, where the pain is lessened enough so that you can function. I just don't know how, other than to pray for you...and to be there. So, know, that I am here. I love you. And I'll be here as long as it takes for you to get to the living with the grief point. Heart Hugs...

Amy
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JennyApril 10, 2011 at 6:07 PM
Oh Nicole- I'm sure you are doing the best you can and I feel so bad that you feel guilty. I'm happy that you started that group of Facebook- I'm sure it's a great outlet. As always, I'm here for you if I can do anything.
Love you!!
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AnonymousApril 11, 2011 at 11:09 AM
I have been and will keep praying for u guys. I pray for u to find some relief so u can feel joy again. U still will never be the same but u can feel some relief. If u have not got any proffesional help.....please do...it can help. Also make a purpose for yourself and throw yourself into it. Something that will honor your son and help others. Love and prayers to your family.
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AnonymousApril 13, 2011 at 9:54 AM
A friend of mine who had a 2 year old and a new baby (several months old) told me once that somebody has asked her if she loved them both equally. She said, well, yes, but she was more bonded to the other child and that if somebody made her choose, she would choose the older child because she had more invested there. Of course, within a few months, as her new child started developing her own little distinct personality that was different from her big sister's, this began to change.

I am also reminded of the movie Sophie's Choice, in which a mother is forced to choose and chooses her older child over her baby. she had more of a relationship with the older child. He was more real.

I am writing these things simply to say that i bet your bond with Addie will grow and grow as she gets older and is more distinctly "Addie" and isn't always reminding you of Travis in everything she does. Obviously your horrible pain will not go away, but I really bet that your bond to Addie will grow.

I am so deeply deeply sorry for you that you lost your beautiful child and that you feel the effects of that in your relationship with your other beautiful child. It is not fair. I don't even know how you breathe. I cannot imagine. I wish you peace and healing, and I think of you and your family every day. It just isn't fair.
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Travis Gary DiCarlo

Travis Gary DiCarlo, first son of Roger and Nicole DiCarlo, was born at San Diego Kaiser Hospital, October 23, 2009 with a Congenital Heart Defect known as Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, or HLHS. The short explanation is that Travis was born with only half of a heart. In order for him to live, a series of three operations were planned.

Due to an infection, Travis had to have an additional open heart surgery to insert pulmonary artery bands on October 29, 2009. He had his Norwood Surgery on November 21, 2009. He was sent home on December 14, 2009 from Rady's Children Hospital of San Diego after spending his first 52 nights of life in the hospital.

After being home for several months, Travis was due to for his next surgery in the plan, the Glenn procedure. But the life of a cardiac kid can change in an instant and life doesn't always go as planned. Due to the anatomy of his heart and some rhythm issues, Travis had what the surgeons called Norwood part 2. They replaced his Sano Shunt with a bigger one, enlarged his pulmonary arteries and installed a pacemaker. This surgery was performed on May 3, 2010. Travis went home on May 17th, 2010.

Around Travis' first birthday in October his cardiologist detected some narrowing in his pulmonary artery and ordered a heart cath. The heart cath showed extensive narrowing in his aorta and his pulmonary artery. On February 17, 2011 Travis had his 4th open heart surgery. He was doing well with recovery until he suddenly went into cardiac arrest on Friday (2/18). After two hours of CPR Travis was placed on ECMO (a heart/lung bypass). Although his heart did begin to beat again on its own, his brain was damaged during the whole ordeal and he lost all brain function. We had to say goodbye to our beautiful boy on Saturday, February 19th. We miss our boy terribly.....