Sunday, April 10, 2011

Going Through the Motions

It has been almost two months since Travis passed away. God, I can't believe it has been that long since I have kissed my sweet little boy. It feels like every day my heart is getting heavier. It is hard to have the energy to do much of anything lately. We get up, go to work, come home, and repeat. All of the joy we had is missing. Even Addie isn't snapping me out of my funk lately. I feel so guilty to even say this but my bond with Travis was deeper. Maybe because of the situation, maybe because he was my first born, maybe because he was older and full of spunk. I don't know. He and I just had a special connection.

I feel like such a failure right now. I feel like things are just spinning around and I can't get anything done. I want to be a good mother to Addie but I feel like I can't be. I am very protective of her and concerned for her safety but I just don't want to care for her right now. Does that make any sense? A friend of mine said she imagines that it is similar to post partum depression.....wanting to be the best mom but you just can't. I hate this! I feel so guilty because she deserve so much more from me. She is the cutest thing but everything about her reminds me of Travis. And I feel guilty for feeling this way. My grief comes with SO.MUCH.GUILT! The depths of that I am not ready to get into but it is crippling.

I get online in the evenings and read blogs. Today I read a heart blog and I was so sad to see that the blogs of all my Sisters By Heart were on their blog roll except those of us who lost our HLHS babies. How sad is that? Now, the story of Travis and this blog has turned into one of those blogs that I didn't want to read when I was pregnant. You know, the ones that don't turn out the way you want them too.

I started a Facebook page for mommas who lost their heart babies. We all share things on there that we weren't comfortable sharing with heart mommas that have their babies. Recently people were posting pictures of their baby's headstones. I can't even believe I am living in this reality where I have to look at those and share what we did for Travis. Some days are just to much for me. I don't want to be on this side of HLHS. I want to be where we were. I want Travis here with me. I don't want people to admire me for my strength in losing a child. I want to be admired for being a good mother to living children. I just want to wake up one day and not have such a heavy heart.

Every song on the radio reminds me of my beautiful boy. This lyrics sticks out to me right now:
"But I know soon we'll be together
And I can't wait till then
I can't wait till then"

I just wish things were different. Wish we were on the other side of all this.....


  1. Nicole, my heart is so heavy for you right now. I so wish I could so something, anything, to change the circumstances, to bring Travis back to you. This is so profoundly unfair. It's not fair that Travis isn't here and other heart babies are. It's not fair that Travis went through the hell he went through and still didn't make it. It's not fair that you have to battle through what you're feeling to be with your daughter. I mean, good Lord, isn't it enough that you're dealing with all of this grief - and then to throw in guilt??? Damn. Sorry - the unfairness of it is just pissing me off. I wish there was something I could do to help you get through this, to the other side, where the pain is lessened enough so that you can function. I just don't know how, other than to pray for you...and to be there. So, know, that I am here. I love you. And I'll be here as long as it takes for you to get to the living with the grief point. Heart Hugs...


  2. Oh Nicole- I'm sure you are doing the best you can and I feel so bad that you feel guilty. I'm happy that you started that group of Facebook- I'm sure it's a great outlet. As always, I'm here for you if I can do anything.
    Love you!!

  3. I have been and will keep praying for u guys. I pray for u to find some relief so u can feel joy again. U still will never be the same but u can feel some relief. If u have not got any proffesional help.....please can help. Also make a purpose for yourself and throw yourself into it. Something that will honor your son and help others. Love and prayers to your family.

  4. A friend of mine who had a 2 year old and a new baby (several months old) told me once that somebody has asked her if she loved them both equally. She said, well, yes, but she was more bonded to the other child and that if somebody made her choose, she would choose the older child because she had more invested there. Of course, within a few months, as her new child started developing her own little distinct personality that was different from her big sister's, this began to change.

    I am also reminded of the movie Sophie's Choice, in which a mother is forced to choose and chooses her older child over her baby. she had more of a relationship with the older child. He was more real.

    I am writing these things simply to say that i bet your bond with Addie will grow and grow as she gets older and is more distinctly "Addie" and isn't always reminding you of Travis in everything she does. Obviously your horrible pain will not go away, but I really bet that your bond to Addie will grow.

    I am so deeply deeply sorry for you that you lost your beautiful child and that you feel the effects of that in your relationship with your other beautiful child. It is not fair. I don't even know how you breathe. I cannot imagine. I wish you peace and healing, and I think of you and your family every day. It just isn't fair.