An Empty Room

Dear Travis,

Your sister is sleeping and I'm sitting in your room right now. Rocking in your chair. I haven't been able to bring myself to sit in here for awhile now. It hurts. I miss you. Daddy and I put all your favorite things in your crib so you could see them. Your paci is in there, your Brobee bath toy, you sports blanket, the jammies you last wore, the elmo toy we bought you during your last surgery that we just knew you would love. You never got to play with that Elmo, baby boy. You hadn't really woken up enough when everything happened. Do you know how much time mommy and daddy put into this room for you before you were born? We painted the letters and the walls. We argued over nick nacks and what is appropriate for a little boys room. Daddy wanted to put ALL of his basketball stuff in here....mommy had to talk him out of it. I did, however, let him name the stupid horse we bought you at Walmart.....Zenyata. You did get to go see Zenyata race so, it was only fitting.

The box from the hospital is still on your dresser. Mommy can't even open it. I know your handprints are in there....the ones we took after you passed. The little hearts we made for your sister are in there. Your hospital bracelet and you donor medal are in there too. I bet not many people know that they put all those memory making things in there for you when you lose your baby. You leave the hospital with it. A box. A freaking box is all I have left of you Travis.

I've been thinking we need to get your sister into a nightly routine before she is too old and stubborn. I just can't bring myself to do it. The only rocking chair we have is in your room. The bookshelf with all the books is in your room. I think about how you and I would sit on the floor and read a few books. You'd listen as you drank your milk from your sippy cup. We always ended on Night, Night Prayer. I love how you would lean against me. Then we'd brush your teeth and snuggle together as I rocked. I always sang you "You Are My Sunshine". I imagine that I want to have a similar routine for Addie. Buggy, will you be angry? If I read her your books is that okay? I will find a different book to end with....I just can't open Night, Night Prayer....I think a couple pages are still stuck together from your milk. I have to pick another song for her too......it is just too painful.

I don't even know what to do with your room. I can imagine we will just leave it that way it is until we welcome another baby into our family. Then, gosh.....just the thought of having to put away your things kills me. You and your things belong here baby boy. By the way....your sister weighs 17.9lbs now. She is wearing size 3 diapers....that is the size you were wearing. She is using that box of diapers I bought for you the Sunday before your surgery. It is hard to imagine that in a month or so she will weigh as much as you did. Daddy and I were talking and we just remember you bigger. I think that had a lot to do with your personality (larger than life) and our love for you! Addie, although big, doesn't do much yet and it makes our house so lonely. I miss having to clean up all your messes. Your tricycle is still sitting right where you left it and I can imagine that you miss it. I hope Heaven has one with a bell, just like yours.

Travis, I never realized just how painful the "what ifs" would be. Daddy and I constantly ask questions about our choices. We researched, we asked questions, we thought we made the best choices for you. We have to go back to the hospital soon and talk to your surgeon to get the results of your autopsy. I am praying that there is an unavoidable reason for why you were stolen from us. I can't imagine how we will live if it was some sort of error in judgement. To be frank.....I just can't imagine how will we live.....regardless.

I love you Buggy....and I miss you. I hope you know just how much your memory is alive!!!!!