I love you so much and I wish that just for one more time I could hold your sweet little cheek against mine and sing "you are my sunshine" as we rock to sleep.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
This is Gonna Damn Near Kill Me
I "celebrated" my birthday yesterday Travis. I use that term loosely. It was a hard day. I just miss you so much. Having a birthday meant remembering YOUR birthday. Having a birthday reminded me that I have to live my next year without you. A friend dropped off a little gift to me after school, it reminded me of when you and I took her cupcakes last year. It was the first time she had met you. Lots of my coworkers ran out to take a peak at you. You just sat in your car seat so smiley and alive. Yesterday, daddy bought me a little present. First, a picture of He and Addie in a frame. It hurt me so much that our new family photos won't include you. He also got me a heart keychain engraved with your name and "forever in our hearts". It pained me to read that. I don't want you in my heart, I want you in my arms. Travis, we all went out to dinner. It was also rough. Mommy is so short on patience these days. I just don't want to deal with anything. I just don't want to live this life without you. Your sister has your same smiley personality but even that doesn't pull me out of my funk. We also had a birthday party for your daddy and I on Friday. It took my mind of you for a little bit....when the guests left the sadness came back. I felt guilty for even having a party. I mean, I am not at all happy. I am not sure what I was even thinking. Your daddy and I are just trying to fill our time with "stuff". I've planned many things just to keep busy......just to keep moving. We don't understand when people call us strong or tell us we are an inspiration. We have no choice Buggy. We either live with the sadness or die. There is no in between. We have no choice.