Team Travis: This is Gonna Damn Near Kill Me

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

This is Gonna Damn Near Kill Me

I "celebrated" my birthday yesterday Travis. I use that term loosely. It was a hard day. I just miss you so much. Having a birthday meant remembering YOUR birthday. Having a birthday reminded me that I have to live my next year without you. A friend dropped off a little gift to me after school, it reminded me of when you and I took her cupcakes last year. It was the first time she had met you. Lots of my coworkers ran out to take a peak at you. You just sat in your car seat so smiley and alive. Yesterday, daddy bought me a little present. First, a picture of He and Addie in a frame. It hurt me so much that our new family photos won't include you. He also got me a heart keychain engraved with your name and "forever in our hearts". It pained me to read that. I don't want you in my heart, I want you in my arms. Travis, we all went out to dinner. It was also rough. Mommy is so short on patience these days. I just don't want to deal with anything. I just don't want to live this life without you. Your sister has your same smiley personality but even that doesn't pull me out of my funk. We also had a birthday party for your daddy and I on Friday. It took my mind of you for a little bit....when the guests left the sadness came back. I felt guilty for even having a party. I mean, I am not at all happy. I am not sure what I was even thinking. Your daddy and I are just trying to fill our time with "stuff". I've planned many things just to keep busy......just to keep moving. We don't understand when people call us strong or tell us we are an inspiration. We have no choice Buggy. We either live with the sadness or die. There is no in between. We have no choice.

I love you so much and I wish that just for one more time I could hold your sweet little cheek against mine and sing "you are my sunshine" as we rock to sleep.

6 comments:

AnonymousApril 19, 2011 at 11:06 AM
I am so sorry. This is not fair. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know that doesn't really help, but it is all I can do.
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rita jens mommyApril 19, 2011 at 12:24 PM
Nicole, never ever forget the little guy, but dont let the heart ache surround you so as not to evjoy what God has also given you. A wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter. They will never replace Travis never, but they are still here and they need all that you have to offer them. Travis will be waiting for his mommy again. He will help you. Look up to heaven often and remind yourself that this is not the end but the beginning to finish your lives here on earth and once again hold your baby boy all healthy one more time someday. We dont know how to confort a mother who has lost a child none of us its up to you. love rita jens mom.
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AnonymousApril 21, 2011 at 11:28 AM
My heart breaks for you. You are in my prayers.
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JillianApril 21, 2011 at 4:20 PM
I love you.
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AnonymousApril 21, 2011 at 8:13 PM
The guilt and pain and the feeling of just wanting to die will not go away on its own. You have to phisically and mentally work at it. As if u dont have enough to deal with, it is not something that goes away with time, it never goes away but u have to push through each moment of despair with good thoughts and you have to always know that you will be whole again when you are reunited with your precious boy. If u dont have faith in that then you will never be able to enjoy anything. I am so sorry and I will always have your family in my prayers...for this lifetime
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AnonymousApril 22, 2011 at 4:28 PM
I know there is nothing anyone on this side of heaven can do to help you though this, but I want you to know we love you and are here for you!! Prayers to you, Roger and Addie!!
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Travis Gary DiCarlo

Travis Gary DiCarlo, first son of Roger and Nicole DiCarlo, was born at San Diego Kaiser Hospital, October 23, 2009 with a Congenital Heart Defect known as Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, or HLHS. The short explanation is that Travis was born with only half of a heart. In order for him to live, a series of three operations were planned.

Due to an infection, Travis had to have an additional open heart surgery to insert pulmonary artery bands on October 29, 2009. He had his Norwood Surgery on November 21, 2009. He was sent home on December 14, 2009 from Rady's Children Hospital of San Diego after spending his first 52 nights of life in the hospital.

After being home for several months, Travis was due to for his next surgery in the plan, the Glenn procedure. But the life of a cardiac kid can change in an instant and life doesn't always go as planned. Due to the anatomy of his heart and some rhythm issues, Travis had what the surgeons called Norwood part 2. They replaced his Sano Shunt with a bigger one, enlarged his pulmonary arteries and installed a pacemaker. This surgery was performed on May 3, 2010. Travis went home on May 17th, 2010.

Around Travis' first birthday in October his cardiologist detected some narrowing in his pulmonary artery and ordered a heart cath. The heart cath showed extensive narrowing in his aorta and his pulmonary artery. On February 17, 2011 Travis had his 4th open heart surgery. He was doing well with recovery until he suddenly went into cardiac arrest on Friday (2/18). After two hours of CPR Travis was placed on ECMO (a heart/lung bypass). Although his heart did begin to beat again on its own, his brain was damaged during the whole ordeal and he lost all brain function. We had to say goodbye to our beautiful boy on Saturday, February 19th. We miss our boy terribly.....