Often, at night, as I try and sleep I run through the memories from February. The memories are so terrible.....the cannulas in your neck, the shouting, the rain, the social workers, the ct scan, singing in your ear, holding your hand that whole night, daddy's call that I needed to get right back to the hospital, the bitchy heartless nurse, leaving you there for good.
I am just so angry with God. I feel like He let me down.
I am angry when friends post things like "God is Good" or when people post that God heard their prayers. Why didn't God hear ours? Why wasn't He there for us?
We prayed! I mean, we prayed so freaking hard for Travis. We prayed for his conception, we prayed for his birth, his surgeries, every procedure, every alarm, every night. We even taught him to pray. He'd fold his little hands and we'd say a prayer together. We prayed for more time....we prayed for a miracle. When Travis coded I sat in that conference room and pleaded with God. He didn't hear it. How can I not be let down?
Why is it that all the other heart mommas are being heard? What have I done that is so horrible that He didn't listen? I loved that boy with everything I had. What made his life not worthy of more time with me?
I can't stand to hear people tell me he is in a better place. Internally, I know that. However, it was too early. I want him here with me. I wanted to see him grow up and go to kindergarten.
I just can't do it...I can't bring myself to pray. I have so much anger.