Tuesday, April 12, 2011

My Sweet Boy

Dear Travis,

We gave your sister a bath today in your duck tub. My heart sank when the beak quacked. You always thought that was so funny. Earlier today I was trying to remember how you moved your hands when you heard the Itsy Bitsy Spider....I was so sad that I couldn't visualize it. I don't want to forget those little things we shared. Daddy helped me remember. He misses you Travis. I can see it. His soul is aching for his boy....and mine is too. How unfair this is to have held you for such a short time. I was at Target yesterday buying Addie a book and I saw "Night, Night Prayer". Everyone must have thought I was crazy because I immediately started crying. I could picture us sitting on the floor in your room like we did every night. Some nights you were too tired to even finish and you would lean back against me as I read. On the nights you made it to the end, we held your hands together and prayed "And thank you most of all dear God for watching us with love." I hope God is watching out for you now. I pray you are sitting with Jesus. I pray that you are happy and most of all I pray that Heaven is real. I can't bare to imagine that I won't see you again one day.

Do you know you gave me the greatest gift? You made me a mom Travis. I had waited my whole life to have that title and I was so thankful. Then, to top it off, God gave me you....sweet, special you. Your smile, your eyes, everything was perfect. We were so happy. Now, there is such sadness. Addie brings small bits of sunshine but, we are not whole with out you.

Buggy, I hope you aren't mad that Addie will grow to use your toys and do the things we did with you. I hope you know that we are never trying to replace you. Our hearts ache for you and the memories sting more than you can imagine. Our hearts ache for all the memories we were robbed of. Mr. Man, your daddy and I miss you. I'm not even sure how to live this life without you.

All my love forever,


  1. I don't know what to write, but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers all the time. Your post made me cry so hard this morning.

  2. I am crying for you, I just don't know what to say. It's so damn unfair and I just get so angry. Travis was so lucky to have you and Gary as parents. You will see him again someday but until then just remember all the wonderful times you had and how is lil grin made you smile. His smile brightens my day <3 (( hugs)) for you always <3

  3. oh, nicole, i don't even know you and i am just sobbing. my heart breaks for you. i can physically feel your pain-- having almost lost my girl (who, coincidentally is also Addie). i look at travis' face and can see how special he was. and i can tell how special YOU are. I am so sorry. you are living through the unthinkable. I have been reading a lot of books on death and the afterlife and i do believe you and travis' souls will be re-united in heaven. all my love
    your heart sister,

  4. I'm sure he is so happy that he had such a loving momma who prayed for him and talked to him about Jesus. He is so happy that his little sister gets to use all of his toys.

    I am so sad for you.
    my heart goes out for you.

  5. Nicole the tears are falling again. You must grieve dear greive all you want and for as long as you want . Let no one tell you its going to be better until you decide that. remember addie is part of travis she isnt Travis but part of him. I have four children and my first is special also. That just the way it is . Cry scream hollar, whatever it takes . Then remeber that God gave you two other special people to care for . Travis will wait for you with open arms . I couldnt love you more and dont even know you. It will be alright.