We Miss you Travis

Mom and Dad's Letter to Travis

From the moment we found out we were expecting our first baby we were thrilled. I have never seen Roger more excited than the day we found out that our first born baby was a boy. He literally jumped up off the couch from excitement. I cried….happy tears. I was happy and my heart was so full watching Roger beaming with pride. We promptly stocked Travis’ room with every sports themed baby item available. I used to joke….”What if he hates sports? What if he wants to act instead?”. Little did we know that we had much bigger things to be concerned about…

When we found out about Travis’ special heart we were terrified. The day of his diagnosis was a blur…through the tears, we remember the words “there is no cure but there is a well defined surgical approach”. We weren’t sure we were up to this challenge. We questioned a lot. Why us? Could we hand our baby over for surgery after surgery? Is it fair? It took us awhile to accept our fate and we decided that our little dude was going to be a fighter and we were going to fight with him! Little did we know that the next year and a half would take us on the most extreme ride of our lives. This journey was filled with fear, questions, unknowns, sleepless nights, helplessness, anxiety and terrifying medical procedures. But through it all there was hope, laughter and LOVE, lots and lots of love. Love oozed out of us….our family….our friends…. and love oozed out of our boy. He truly was the most loving, joyful, smiley baby boy around. The last 16 months have been the best months of our lives.

Travis had gorgeous eyes, a brilliant smile, he said “melmo” and “brobro” when he saw his favorite characters, he LOVED to dance to New Edition’s Cool It Now, he was SO proud of himself when he learned to throw a ball, he loved being pushed around on his tricycle, he loved to watch people (especially kids), he LOVED chocolate pudding and oreos, he loved to snuggle with mommy, he was addicted to his paci and Yo Gabba Gabba. He loved to chase his dogs all around. He loved water: whether it be swimming classes, a bath or just his dog’s water dish. He had a sassy attitude and a myriad of expressive looks. Man, you could certainly tell what he was thinking! He loved staring contests (even though he ALWAYS lost because he would laugh first) and wasting whole rolls of toilet paper. He loved reading and he knew how to “pray” when it was time for bed. He loved Christmas lights and messing with his new sister. He enjoyed life and brought joy to everyone around him!!! It is amazing how many lives one special little boy can touch!

We wanted to thank all of our friends and family for their support and understanding as we fought alongside our warrior. I know it was difficult for some of you to understand the magnitude of his condition but we so appreciate the prayers and love that you all shared for our boy! Through every surgery and difficult time we felt the love from “Team Travis”. We also want to thank Travis’ doctors and nurses who were so gracious and supportive even when we had a million and one questions and even when we wanted them to hypothesize the “unknowns”. We are not sure that there are adequate words to appropriately thank them. Hopefully, looking around this room at all the love that this one little boy brought to the world is proof that they make a huge difference. Travis was pure joy and we are so very grateful for every minute and every memory we had with him!!

Travis, we promise we will continue to support CHD research that may someday find a cure for all the little special hearts. We promise to keep your memory alive. Your daddy and I will always, always have you in our hearts and in our lives. We will make sure your sister knows just how much you loved her. We will miss you more than we can fathom but we will be okay….we know you would want us to be tough…..just like you, our little warrior. We love you Buggie!

CLICK LINK BELOW TO SEE

Travis Tribute Video

For you Travis

Article about your daddy in the local paper.

Murrieta Patch

This the last picture of Travis and I. I carry it in my wallet and have it posted in several places.

This is me on December 10th - 108 pounds lighter. Thanks Travis for helping me get through all the runs.

My Weight Loss Journey

I have just completed some major goals in my life this past week son. I have completed a 5k on your birthday. I run with my students in p.e. class now. I have lost 101 pounds. Most importantly, I have become healthy so I can be active and live longer for your sister and any future brother/sister.

I was tired, hungry, and wanted to quit or cheat more times than I can count over months. But i never did. I exercised when I didn't want to, I ate healthy instead of bad, and I chose to be the man/dad/husband I wanted to always be. I always hated to run. HATE HATE HATE to run. But fell in love with the chance to just run and think of you. I never ran alone, because you were always there telling me one more block. I ran a 5k. Who would of ever thought that would be possible. You would have been so proud.Travis you never knew me as skinny daddy. I look at your pictures every time I walk downstairs, open the fridge or watch TV. I said I would loose the weight so I could be there for you as you grew up. But you never got the chance.

After you went to heaven Mommy and I turned to food as are coping method and gained a bunch more weight. We decided to do something about it this summer. You were with us every step of the way. Mommy lost over 50 pounds and has changed her life as well. You would be so proud of her. Addison has gained weight, but she is still growing (LOL).

The only motivation I needed was you buddy. I am extremely emotional today and have cried a ton today. I miss you terribly. I came home today from my competition and was so happy to see my girls, but I really wanted was too see you. Your poor sissy probably thinks I am a freak, because I won't put her down. I just miss you boy and always will.

Talk to you again on the next run.

Love,Dad

A field of memories.

Then (2/11/11)

Now (10/1/11)

This past weekend Nicole and I had to go to a function by the park next to the duck pond in Temecula. As soon as I heard that it was going to be there I panicked a little bit. One of my favorite memories of Travis happened on the last day I was there.

The last time I went there was one of my favorite days of being a dad. It was George Washington's Birthday, Friday, February 11 and we had no school. (Nicole had to work) So Travis, Addison and I had the day to ourselves.

On this day we didn't have anything planned, but just to spend it together. We woke up and hung out on be like we did many times. We finally got up and left the house. We went to Babies R Us and did some shopping. On the way out we ran into Terrell Davis (NFL Superstar) and had Travis take a picture with him. I thought it would be so cool to tell Travis stories about Terrell when he got older, but never got the chance.

I then remember going to Daphne's Greek Cafe and sharing lunch with my boy. The manager took care of us and was so nice to us. He gave us a side of rice for Travis on the house, just because Travis gave him his trademark smile. Travis was so much fun during lunch just eating up his rice and some of my gyro pita. Travis was enjoying standing up in the booth and smiling at all the people. Travis had the ability to make people smile. His smile was infectious and even grumpy people would look at him and smile. He had a gift.

After lunch, I packed both kids in the car and that is when I got the phone call that changed our lives forever. It was the phone call from the surgeon's office scheduling his surgery. They gave us some options on the dates, Thursday February 17th or sometime in March. We chose the earlier date, because we were told that he needed the surgery and the sooner the better. I remember Nicole telling me that it was less than a week away and us both freaking out.

After getting off the phone with Nicole and having the surgery date set, I decided to take Travis and Addie over to the duck pond. We have taken him there before and he loved to look at the ducks. He was so observant and never wanted to miss a thing. I fed the ducks so they would come close to him and he loved it so much. As we were walking to the van, I saw this big park with beautiful green grass and thought it would be a perfect picture opportunity. It is adjacent to the duck pond and is just really a nice area. I put Travis in the middle of the field and snapped up some pics. We then spent a little time playing in the park and then took off home.

I had a great day with my boy and my girl. Although Addison slept through most of the day, it was really the last time that I had the opportunity to be with both of them by myself. I am so grateful to have had that special day with my kids.

I only wish that we could have just one more day together.

I love you and miss you son.

Dad.

Travis hanging out in bed

Addison was so little back in February

Travis (Our MVP) and Terrell Davis (Super Bowl MVP)

Travis checking out the ducks

Travis just being Travis

Reflection - Lessons from Travis

As everybody is thinking of the ten year anniversary of 9/11. I am unable to get past the past year. I miss my boy a ton and he is still the first thought on my mind in the morning and the last at night. We have decided to let Addison play with Travis' favorite toy. I was able to capture video of her using it today and it reminded me of a video that I never posted. I put this together today in honor of my boy.

Giving Back in Honor of Travis' 2nd Birthday

Roger and I wanted to do something special to honor and remember Travis as he celebrates his second birthday in Heaven. So, we are gathering friends and family to provide dinner and activities to the families staying at the Ronald McDonald House in San Diego. The Ronald McDonald house holds a special place in our hearts as we spent 68 nights there as Travis fought his brave battles!

The Ronald McDonald House Charities® of San Diego provides a home-away-from-home for families with a hospitalized child being treated for a serious, often life-threatening illness or injury at local hospital.

I do not have all the details worked out yet but please let me know if you are interested in helping out. We will need help in the following areas:
* meal prep
* serving
* clean up
* working the activities table for the children (I was thinking
maybe Halloween masks)
* someone who would be interested in doing a couple read
alouds of Travis' favorite stories
* donation of plates, forks, knives, cups, etc.
* monetary donations for purchase of food, etc (all
remaining funds will go directly to RMH)
* decorations

If you are interested in helping please copy and paste this link into your browser (it'll take you to the event page on FB):

https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=221160514598096

When you RSVP please let me know in what capacity you will be willing to help us honor our Miracle Angel. Also, if you have any creative ideas for the evening, let me know. They tell us to prepare food for 160 people so we need a lot of help! We will be cooking Mexican inspired food.

This will be a difficult, difficult time for us but we know that this will be a rewarding and loving way to celebrate Travis' birthday. It brings us comfort to know we will be surrounded by friends/family and helping others who are this familiar situation!

NOTE: We are limited to the number of people who can cook/serve so we will have to take volunteers for that based on order of response. Thanks! ♥

NOTE #2: All of the food has to be prepared in a "Health Department Approved kitchen" and therefore it will need to be prepared and cooked AT THE McDonald house. So, no cooking at home :( Sorry

"How are you doing?"

That is the million dollar question.

Some people ask, some people are too nervous.

Some people can handle the real answer, most can't.

To put it simply: we are getting by.

Roger and I both see therapists both together and separately and although I dread going, I always come out feeling a tad better. We talk to them about our guilt, the massive guilt that comes with death. We talk to them about our memories. We talk to them about the impact of this loss on our relationship and on Addie. We talk to them about our shattered dreams. Mostly, we just talk.

Most days we walk around in this melancholic daze. I told my therapist the other day that I just feel as if nothing gives me real joy anymore. I can't live in the moment. I'm always regretting the past or looking forward to that day that we see Travis again. I am not sure if you looked at us you could tell.

WE DO A GOOD JOB OF PRETENDING.

We do it. We do it for Addie. We do it because we don't want to burden our friends and family. We do it so we don't scare our friends who have babies walking the same journey that Travis did.

It takes a lot of energy to go about pretending that all is okay. A friend recently asked me "What percentage of your thoughts throughout the day are about Travis?" I thought this was such an interesting question. I wonder if people are surprised by the answer. I came up with 85% of my thoughts. His life is still very much intertwined in mine. Not all of my thoughts of him are sad ones. I have many happy memories too!

Your heart is split between this world and that world. I am engaged in Addie and engaged in my grief /memories. Multitasking in this manner wears at you. It strips you of your ability to concentrate. I rips away your energy. It strains your relationships. So, we give it all we got. We do our best. We get by.

Fall is coming and that means we will be faced with all the things we are missing out on....Travis' 2nd birthday.....the Holidays. Thinking about going through all those without him is horrendous but we will get through it because we need to....he'd want us to and Addie needs us.

Our 4.2 million dollar boy

We have been receiving Travis' medical bills for all of the stays and procedures he had at Rady's (including all of his surgeries, heath catheterizations, and his lengthy stays). The insurance carrier sends us a statement to show us what everything costs and what they pay for. Prior to his death we were constantly receiving bills addressed to "the parents of Travis Gary DiCarlo". Now, we receive them addressed to the estate of Travis Gary DiCarlo. It is ridiculous that we have to receive these......I mean the "estate of"....I suppose there is just no proper way to address the death of a 16 month old. It is just too terrible to imagine.

The mailings have slowed down and it looks like the last bills have rolled in. Today I finally totaled his medical costs during his short life. I kept all of his bills because I wanted to show him when he got older because I thought it was interesting to see how much it all costs. Unfortunately, things turned out for the worst and we have decided to throw them out.

I did total everything and after recording over 300 pages of bills the total was more outstanding than I thought.

His total medical expenses charged by the hospital were:

$4,281,186

Travis was truly priceless and was worth every penny. I miss you son. - DAD