Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Physical Pain

I suppose no one would ever really know just how physical grief is unless you experience it to this extent. Most days it is a chore just to peel myself off of the mattress. I walk around throughout the day zombie like. Even when I sleep well, I am tired. My eye lids are heavy. I am overeating....which doesn't help the situation. My clothes feel tight and I feel worse about myself. I have headaches and feel sick to my stomach. Loud noises/beeping/whistling sounds scare the shit out of me. Wish I could just escape this for a day....even for a minute.

Thursday at 4 we meet with the team at Rady's to discuss the autopsy results. We are hoping for a clear cut reason why this happened. I am fairly confident we won't get that....nothing about HLHS seems to be clear cut...so, I won't hold my breathe. I am just not sure how I can live this life without a "reason" why this happened.


  1. God I hate that you have to live this life without your beautiful boy. It is so unfair that any family has to go through this. You dont know me but I just want you to know you have lots of people lifting your family in prayer. I can assume that is not that comforting to you, but I will continue to lift your family in prayer and find others to faithfully pray for you. You will be in our thoughts tomorrow. You can not punish yourself, you have enough pain without self destructing. You guys did the best you could and do not forget your family will never be the same in this life but you will be whole again with your lil guy.

  2. I'm am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine the pain your family must feel of losing your beautiful little boy. My nephew Felix Kory Ponce was also born with HLHS on August 3, 2010 and the thought of loosing him is unberable. Everyday I'm grateful that he's here and our family remains as strong as we can be. But every other day we have our fears that something can go wrong. Until recently i have tried to read other families heart journeys but I would stop myself from reading any further if the news was even remotely sad. Yet we try and face life everyday for him as normal as we possibly can. i can't imagine what your feeling or going through but my family's love and prayers are with you. Little travis will be remembered forever because he's in your hearts forever!