Wednesday, February 23, 2011

We Were Never Promised a Forever

When Roger and I found out about Travis' heart condition we made the decision to continue the pregnancy knowing that our time with him may be limited. We hoped and prayed for his time here on earth to be long but we always knew, in the back of our minds, that the reality was that we probably would not be able to see him have children of his own. I used to have dreams about what his memorial service would look like, what songs would play, and who would come. They were morbid dreams but they were our reality. We lived that reality every day. When I would be so tired after work I would try my best to muster up energy to play and hang out with my boy. When he was super cranky, I would use every bit of patience I had to handle him.....because I knew, he was fragile and that it might be our last time together. Maybe this knowing prepared us a bit for his death.

Our extended family is hurting so bad right now because I think in a way they were all in a bit of denial of how fragile our boy was. We KNEW because we were there in the hospital fighting his battles with him.....we watched the lines on the monitors......we saw his SAT's fluctuate......we were acutely aware of what havoc an infection could wreak. We had to accept his mortality before he was even born. That is something no one else could ever understand unless they too have had a child as frail. It's not that his death is easy but it helps us to focus on his life. We had 16 amazing, wonderful, un-promised months with him. We couldn't be more grateful for the time we did get to have with our miracle boy. Our hearts are hurting so deeply but we keep remembering all the joy he has brought to our lives....and that is bringing us some peace.

18 comments:

  1. That couldn't be more true! We too got Owen's HLHS diagnosis in utero. We've been lucky to have three years now. You always have it in the back of your head how fragile their bodies are. Their spirits are SO strong and that's what extended family and friends see. My heart aches for you and your family, but we will celebrate his life. Our prayers are with your family as you prepare to celebrate Travis's amazing life. Hugs to you all.

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  2. Can I just say how truly amazing your are...muah! xoxo

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  3. What a beautiful post. You are amazing. How blessed Travis is to have you as his parents. Praying for you always.

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  4. What a beautiful way to look at this.

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  5. Your strength and grace in this difficult time is inspiring. We don't know each other, but I have been following Travis's story after a friend told me about him. My heart is broken for you. As a fellow mother, I send you my most sincere condolences. Your family remains in my prayers. The sweet pictures of Travis's face continue to make me smile. God Bless you and your family.

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  6. You are an amazing family and my heart is aching for the terrible loss you are going through. What a lucky boy Travis was to have such caring and devoted parents! May you be provided with the strength needed during this time. Prayers for you all.

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  7. I KNOW YOU TWO THROUGH JENNY MY DAUGHTER, AND NOTHING BUT GOOD IS SAID ABOUT WHAT WONDERFUL PARENTS YOU BOTH ARE.THE TIME YOU HAD WITH YOUR ANGEL WAS PRESIOUS. NO ONE SHOULD OUTLIVE THEIR CHILDREN,GOD MUST HAVE HAD OTHER PLANS.I SAW A RAINBOW THAT JENNY POSTED AND YOUR ANGEL MADE A SPECIAL VEIWING MY HEART IS ACHING AND THE TEARS ARE FLOWING . PLEASE KNOW THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WILL HELP YOU THROUGH THIS. IF YOU NEED PRAYERS I HAVE MANY IF YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE PLEASE DONT HESITATE TO ASK.

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  8. What a tremendously courageous battle you have and continue to wage. It is clear that you are familiar with the comment, "peace beyond all understanding." only those who have been n your shoes know what you are going through. Your sentiments are both inspiring and settling. Thank you somuch for living this journey out loud, allowing the rest of us to share in your most vulnerable moments. Deepest love for you and your brave heart.

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  9. AS a parent, From their first breath of life there is a fear with every fall, cold, fever. Thank you for sharing your journey. Our prayers for your family are for comfort as he wraps his arms with love around you for your discipline in your faith. I believe Travis is an angel laughing,and playing without discomfort, meeting other Gods littlest angels. You will see him again.

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  10. Nicole, this was so beautiful written - and so true. You're absolutely right. When you have a medically fragile child like our special boys, you're waiting from that first diagnosis for the other shoe to drop. You're always faced with the reality that you will very likely outlive your child. As one of my non-heart mom friends told me once, we have a rawness and a clarity to life that most are not lucky enough to get. That clarity allowed you to cherish the beautiful life that Travis had...every single second. Sending you hugs tonight...

    xoxo,
    Amy & Bodie

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  11. Travis was truly blessed to have you two for parents just as u were blessed with him. We dont know you or Travis but we cried when god called him home and his beautiful smile makes my heart warm. His smiling eyes n angel face is forever imprinted in our hearts. You parents r truly amazing people. Sending love and peace your way

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  12. I know you don't know me, but I've followed your blog for several months. And, being a mother myself can't imagine what you and your family must be going through. I am sending you many prayers and lots of love and peace! Travis was a beautiful baby and is a beautiful angel! hugs!

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  13. Wow Nicole! Beautiful post. (I definitely didn't get through without tears) May God continue to give your family stren1gth. You and Riger are such incredible people

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  14. I have just recently learned about Travis and his story, thank you for sharing his story and your heart. As a heart mom, you have said exactally what we all feel. Prayers for you all during this hard time. Darcy, a heart mom from St Louis

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  15. I just read your blog entry to my wife who is in the hospital right now rocking our HLHS baby (10 days old) to sleep. What you wrote hits home with us and confirms that we were right in deciding to keep our baby. We know your son has been granted eternal peace.

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  16. Your blog brought tears to my eyes and helped me realize that time with the ones we love is precious. Though I haven't experienced the tragedy you are going through, I offer these words...stay strong and cherish the memories you spent with your beloved Travis. Thank you for sharing his story. Prayers for you all.

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  17. You are so strong and amazing and that is why god gave you Travis. XTXT

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  18. you are so strong and inspirational to me , you truly open my eyes , sometimes I feel frustrated because my son is a ball of energy and I scream ,
    as I said you open my eyes , sometimes I forget that my son is fragile and I need to love him everyday as the last ,Travis was blessed with the parents that he had , people say that good only choose parents that can handle whit the problems like our boys had,keep your memories very close to your heart , you did a great gob as a mom , as a friend of travis I know that he was so so happy , and I thank you for giving him the beautiful 16 months that he had .
    I know that he miss you as you do .

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