Friday, May 6, 2011


I've never been a real touchy feel-y person. I've always hugged. I am a "hello/goodbye" hugger. Lately, however, someone's touch makes me cringe. It is a strange feeling. It started happening when Travis was born. People wanted to console me so they placed a hand on my back or my shoulder. It didn't feel right. It felt still does. I want to jump out of my skin now when somebody touches me. It is the strangest thing...I don't even want to hug my husband. I wonder how long this will last. Another side effect of grief/stress? I suppose.

Roger, Addie and I went to a Celebration of Life that was hosted by Children's Hospital on Wednesday. It was the first time we had been back since the day we said goodbye to Travis. It was very difficult. We didn't even want to go...but we wanted to honor Travis. Only one other family showed up. The family lost a beautiful four year old little girl. Her sweet picture hung next to Travis' was heartbreaking. So much pain and sadness. They lit a candle for each child lost in the last few months...19 of them. 17 candles lit and no one there to see it. I am glad we were there. I will take every opportunity given to honor matter how difficult.

On the way home we ran into the social worker that was on duty the day Travis coded. Prior to that day we had never met her. She helped us through that day. We chatted for awhile about how we were coping and how big Addie has gotten. She told us how upset everyone was at Travis' death. Everyone was angry. It shouldn't have happened. She said that in the 15 years she has worked there she has never seen them (the doctors/nurses) try so hard and long to revive some one after cardiac arrest. 2.5 hours is excessive. I think we all just wanted him back so bad. She also mentioned that a staggering 85% of couples who lose a child end up divorcing. I can't imagine...Ugh! I am just sad about that. I can understand it though....there are so many emotions....a lot of them are ugly. At least we are working with people to help us figure out how to get through this together. We are all we have left and we need to be there for each other...and for Addie.

I am drained.


  1. Just FYI - there is a lot of debate about that divorce statistic. I've been told, by more than one person, that statistic about divorce is wrong. So who knows. But really, my thought all along has been - I don't have the energy for such a thing... and yea, wouldn't do that to Lil anyway. And oh, wow, what a day for you guys... and to hear that everyone agreed it shouldn't have happened - that she never saw docs work that long... that's a lot to take in.

  2. So much to deal with. My heart still aches for yours. I imagine the divorce statistic has to be a concern. I know the thought has crossed my mind on how two people travel down one road together when they (probably) grieve so differently. All I know is that you gave to make a conscious effort to meet one another's needs while tendon to your own wounds. It's a task I wish on no one. I am sorry that you are going through this.
    An the touch thing may never go away. That's ok. I have the same reaction to it that you described! It's so comforting to know that someone else out there experiences this too. Ruudy