Tuesday, March 1, 2011

What ifs....

The what ifs are driving me crazy right now. So many things to wonder about..

What if we didn't agree to surgery on the 17th?
What if we pushed it out to March?
What if he hadn't fully recovered from the croup?
What if he wasn't ready?
What if we had received the message that Mark, our pastor, was outside that morning to pray with us?
What if they had left the breathing tube in longer?
What if he wasn't ready for it to come out?
What if I hadn't traded with Roger that morning at 5am to go sleep?
What if I had just stayed there and held his hand myself?
What if they hadn't tried to have me hold him before he coded?
What if the had pout pace maker wires in?
What if they hadn't sedated him quite as much?
What if he was scared when he opened his eyes that next day?
What if his last conscious memory was one of fear?
What if he doesn't understand why we had him and put him through all this?
What if he's angry at us?
What if there is no heaven?

16 comments:

  1. I have had all those run through me as well. Those last 3 really made me cry, I have thought that as well. Thinking of you always.

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  2. Dear, sweet Nicole. My heart is breaking at the very thought of the pain and suffering you're experiencing. It makes me so mad at God that Travis is with Him in heaven and no longer here with you, wrapped up in your loving arms! I don't understand His plan and if I dwell on this fact, all I feel is anger. How are we to rest and find comfort in Him when His plan has caused so much devastation and loss?! My dear friend, I know I don't have the answers for you. But I can find hope when I scroll up and look below those 12 gorgeous pictures of your amazing son, and see the words of the Lord:

    "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

    You asked Trav to be strong and courageous. He had a HUGE battle to fight, and fight he did! With every ounce of his being, he fought! He looked to you for the strength and courage he needed, and you were ALWAYS there to provide that to him, whether you were present in the room with him, or when he felt your strength and courage in his heart.

    Now it's your turn. Not to be strong and courageous necessarily, because that's a tall order to fill when you're hurting and confused and angry. I think your task is the second half of this verse -- "do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." I know it isn't easy, but do not lose focus on the One who is with you right now, holding you, comforting you, counting your every tear and feeling your pain right alongside you. God's plan is perfect, even though we cannot begin to understand it. This is all for His glory, though our feeble minds cannot grasp how this can possibly be.

    Sorry for the long comment, but I just need for you to know that in addition to your family and close friends, there are acquaintances and even strangers who are mourning, crying, questioning and agonizing over the loss of your precious, bright-eyed, smiley little angel. Your pain is our pain and we are here for you to draw strength and courage from us. We love you!

    Wishing my heart hugs could extend across the continent to wrap you up!

    My thoughts and prayers are constantly with you,
    Kathy

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  3. I have the same thoughts. What if he had his surgery one day sooner like he was supposed to? What if they did something the first minute they noticed his lung sounded diminished? What if they didn't wait so long to do the echo, the cath, the ....? What if I had pushed for something else? What if I never get to see him again?

    Nicole, I wish I was alone in these feelings. I think about you often. Travis is always in my thoughts. I truly hope he and Wyatt and the other warriors are playing and smiling and happy just like they were here on earth. What amazes me about our boys is how they went through so much but were still always so happy and smiling. I look at Travis' pics and see how happy he looked. Wyatt was the happiest boy, too. It makes me feel sad to know that he can't finish having his fantastic life on earth, but comforting to know that he was still so happy through everything while he was here.

    You know where to find me if you want to talk! Sending you love.

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  4. Oh Nicole, this makes me wish so badly that the pain you feel could be divided up amongst all of us that care about Travis so that your pain could just be that much less. I would certainly bear some of your pain if I could. Kathy said exactly what I wish I could have found the words to say. I mourn for your precious Travis and question God about why Travis was taken to Heaven instead of someone who had lived a long, full life. We will not know the answer to this question until we ourselves are called home to God, and then it won't matter anymore because we will be reunited with everyone that we've ever loved. Pain and heartbreak will cease to exist. Until then, I will not stop praying for you. <3

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  5. Oh Nicole...I'm so sorry :( I can't imagine how you are feeling and I think everything you are experiencing and wondering about is completely normal. You are so open with your feelings...I wish I had answers for you! Just know that we all love you so much and I wish more than anything I could take some of the pain away! Love you!

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  6. I know how you are feeling Nicole. Try not to do that do yourself, though. There are an endless amount of what ifs and if you dwell on them you will drive yourself crazy. You made the best decisions you could for Travis with as much information as the doctors could give you. When we have sick babies all we can do is trust in order make the best decisions we can at the time. You gave your whole self to fighting for Travis and you did an amazing job. Though it is hard, try to find peace in the fact that you and Roger did the best you could and that Travis was lucky to have parents who were willing to fight for him with such love and dedication!

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  7. Nicole,
    Find the song "Sissy's Song" by Alan Jackson. Along with the poem I posted earlier on here "When God calls little children", this song has helped me cope with my niece's death. It will give you comfort knowing that Travis is up in heaven giggling with his warrior friends, smiling that gorgeous smile, watching over you, Coach D, and Addie. And Kathy said it perfectly...there are acquaintances and even strangers who are mourning, crying, questioning and agonizing over the loss of your precious, bright-eyed, smiley little angel.

    With love from Kansas,
    Jess Kinzel Camp

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  8. there are so manywhatifs....you did everything you were supposed to :)Keep the faith..may God be with you and your fam during this hard time.
    jess

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  9. As a mother who has lost a son (10yrs mar.2)I have felt the pain but I believe Travis was a gift from God and I believe it was a miracle and also a gift that God didn't call him home sooner with all the problems with his heart.I feel the time you had with Travis you got to know him and that was PRICELESS! Better to have known him for a short time than not at all.I'm really sorry for your loss. May God give you peace in your heart as time goes by.

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  10. I met you last night and I am so sorry for your loss.

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  11. Sweet Nicole.

    Anytime. I'll sit with you and listen and hear every what if...

    Somehow supposedly we learn to live with them.

    But I haven't figured that one out yet.

    All I have is just love and care and "I know, I know, I know..."

    I know you will always love him so much. I know it will never really feel okay.

    For each "what if" you have my care, heartfelt care.

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  12. I can't imagine how many more "what ifs" have run through your head. My heart goes out to you as a mother. Just from the little scare we had with Easton I know I couldn't stop thinking "what if" about a million different things. I believe there is a heaven and I believe that Travis is there. He was sent to you and put in all our lives to teach us something. Whether it be love, community, appreciation for friends/family, awareness about HLHS. We all have learned from him and I am grateful to be a part of his life and yours.

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  13. Nicole, the what if's are what we hold onto. The things we did are there and gone. You did all you were supposed to do for his sake. How about this what if honey, What if you never had the blessing of him? That makes all the what if's go away I hope. He is in Gods lap making him smile while looking down at you. He has many friends and loved ones taking care of him now and knows you loved him more than life. That is all you can carry with you.

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  14. Luanne Galizio, 4th grade MVMarch 5, 2011 at 12:54 PM

    Nicole: When I lost my son, the whatifs also really got to me. After a while, what worked for me was to just mentally stop myself (it is something that you have to consciously do, and takes practice) and say to yourself "DON'T go down that path...No good can come from there..." It truly helped. Sometimes I had to say it out loud so I could really hear it. It kindof freaked out the family, but, hey, gotta do what you gotta do...Thinking of you constantly. My heart aches...I will be there Sunday, but know that a lot of close friends will take up your time. So, stand strong. Addie needs you! Hugs! Luanne

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  15. Grasping at the what ifs in life is a person's a way of trying to comprehend an event incapable of ever being fully understood. Decisions that were made and actions that were taken were the best ANY person could do with the understanding and knowledge they had at any given moment in the unfolding of events. Choosing to wonder about the what ifs will not change the outcome - the past cannot change. Choosing to wonder about the what ifs only serves to deplete your energy and undermine your ability to be with those who need you NOW. Only God knows why he chose the moment He did to call Travis home to be with Him. May you find solace in knowing God certainly loves you very deeply to have entrusted Travis to your loving hearts, home, and care.

    Peace be with you.

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  16. Diane Dahlin in OhioMarch 9, 2011 at 5:15 PM

    Nicole i dont know you and Roger. Sue (Williams) is our cousin Ive followed your story with your most beautiful baby boy ,his big beautiful eyes and smiling face Thats whatI am taking with me from this story along with the fact of your strongest little CHARGER . May god give you peace in your hearts, and just knpw you and Roger werent picked to be that little guys parents by chance there was a reason ,It was LOVE .GOD BLESS YOU !

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