Difficulties

When we started this journey I tried to convince myself that Travis would be one of the "easy" cases and that he would have little setbacks or complications. I knew this is rare with HLHS babies but I prayed and prayed about it. Although he is still strong for as sick as he is, it turns out he does have an infection. Cultures from his respiratory tube came back with some yeast growing on them. The started him on general antibiodics until they can pin point the exact bacteria. The difficult part in all this is that his big surgery will be postponed another couple weeks. They said he could probably have it in one week but Dr. Lamberti will be in Hawaii for Heart Week. So, if we want HIM to do the surgery it will be two weeks. In that two weeks, they hope that Travis can be moved to the less fragile side of NICU and begin to learn to eat and be fed, be held, and grow stronger for the Norwood procedure. Although I know that this is what HE needs, it hurts my heart to think we will all be stuck here for another 5 weeks at the minimum. I'll tell you the truth...my emotions are not good. I yearn to hold Travis every second. I feel like someone ripped my heart out and wired it down to that NICU bed. I don't know how to control what I am feeling. I don't want to talk to other people here and hear any more stories good or bad. I just want to be home with my lil man, my hubby, and my dogs. Some days I'll feel strong emotionally and have a lot of hope and then we'll walk into the NICU and hear something that was unexpected. I try not to cry when I am there but seeing him react to my voice just hurts more. He needs his mom and dad. Yet he needs these medical interventions. So, we are stuck. Stuck in a place no one ever dreams they'll be. The days all run together and I am constantly panicked that things will go wrong. I have been praying for peace and for Travis constantly everyday. I can just hope God is listening.