Wednesday, August 10, 2011

"How are you doing?"

That is the million dollar question.

Some people ask, some people are too nervous.

Some people can handle the real answer, most can't.

To put it simply: we are getting by.

Roger and I both see therapists both together and separately and although I dread going, I always come out feeling a tad better. We talk to them about our guilt, the massive guilt that comes with death. We talk to them about our memories. We talk to them about the impact of this loss on our relationship and on Addie. We talk to them about our shattered dreams. Mostly, we just talk.

Most days we walk around in this melancholic daze. I told my therapist the other day that I just feel as if nothing gives me real joy anymore. I can't live in the moment. I'm always regretting the past or looking forward to that day that we see Travis again. I am not sure if you looked at us you could tell.


We do it. We do it for Addie. We do it because we don't want to burden our friends and family. We do it so we don't scare our friends who have babies walking the same journey that Travis did.

It takes a lot of energy to go about pretending that all is okay. A friend recently asked me "What percentage of your thoughts throughout the day are about Travis?" I thought this was such an interesting question. I wonder if people are surprised by the answer. I came up with 85% of my thoughts. His life is still very much intertwined in mine. Not all of my thoughts of him are sad ones. I have many happy memories too!

Your heart is split between this world and that world. I am engaged in Addie and engaged in my grief /memories. Multitasking in this manner wears at you. It strips you of your ability to concentrate. I rips away your energy. It strains your relationships. So, we give it all we got. We do our best. We get by.

Fall is coming and that means we will be faced with all the things we are missing out on....Travis' 2nd birthday.....the Holidays. Thinking about going through all those without him is horrendous but we will get through it because we need to....he'd want us to and Addie needs us.


  1. Nicole and Roger..

    Thank you for this post... I know it's hard to pretend and it takes a lot of energy and effort to do so. I know this is not the same situation at all... and I know we all suffer/grieve/mourn in different ways when a loved one has left us...
    My world as I know it stopped for me on Nov 30, 2005,when my beloved mom (62 years old) took her final breaths as we all sat next to her.
    Everything was lost to me and I felt that life no longer had anything left.. There is so much more that I can write here and maybe it's similar to what you and Roger are living through right now..
    I just wanted to share this with you because after reading this post, I felt the need to write something here..
    I think the tragic loss of a loved one- be it a parent, sibling or child/baby, or spouse is the most devastating thing we will ever experience in our lifetime..
    My thoughts are always with you and your family...

  2. My heart breaks for you. I just cannot even imagine.