Every night I rock Addie to sleep in Travis' room. We light a candle, sit on his floor, read some books, and then she drinks a bottle as I rock her and think.
Tonight I saw a cobweb from his bed to wall.
A FUCKING cobweb....on my son's bed. Because he doesn't sleep there.....because it isn't used....because he is dead.
This is all really unfair. I continue to wonder....why us? Why him?
We received a couple of handmade quilts recently for Addie. They are beautiful and have her BroBro's pictures on them and special quilt squares that will allow her to remember special memories we share with him. They are gorgeous. It pains me, however, to think of Addie as a 10 year old asking about her sweet brother. What do you say? How can you explain all this to a child?
The other day I as looking for the sheet for our pack and play. I opened Travis' closet and saw his brown striped outfit in his hamper. It is the last thing (besides pj's) that he wore. We haven't washed it...I just can't. It's unbelievably painful to look at that outfit and remember all the fun we had the night before his surgery....the last night his would ever see his sister. The last night we would ever se "him" (acting normally at home).
My heart just aches. I am just so broken.