Thursday, June 16, 2011

I Can't Even Bring Myself to Pray

I am just so angry with God. I feel like He let me down.

I am angry when friends post things like "God is Good" or when people post that God heard their prayers. Why didn't God hear ours? Why wasn't He there for us?

We prayed! I mean, we prayed so freaking hard for Travis. We prayed for his conception, we prayed for his birth, his surgeries, every procedure, every alarm, every night. We even taught him to pray. He'd fold his little hands and we'd say a prayer together. We prayed for more time....we prayed for a miracle. When Travis coded I sat in that conference room and pleaded with God. He didn't hear it. How can I not be let down?

Why is it that all the other heart mommas are being heard? What have I done that is so horrible that He didn't listen? I loved that boy with everything I had. What made his life not worthy of more time with me?

I can't stand to hear people tell me he is in a better place. Internally, I know that. However, it was too early. I want him here with me. I wanted to see him grow up and go to kindergarten.

I just can't do it...I can't bring myself to pray. I have so much anger.


  1. I have seen my mom going through such anger when I was a child. My dad passed away due to an illness when I was just a month old baby. He was the most pious and religious guy one could ever think of. He would pray every day and would not even drink coffee in the morning before praying.

    When he died, my mom and grandmom both lost their faith in God. My mom did not allow us to pray or think of HIM. HE became the "evil" spirit of whom we never talked.

    After many years my mom was able to pray and accept GOD. I dont know what changed and why she went back to him.

    My mom's grief is nothing compared to yours. She lost a husband but it is totally different from losing a child.

    I hope someday you will find answers to your questions and some peace.

  2. Not all of us other heart mommas were heard, Nicole. You've got plenty of company. I understand exactly where you are coming from. Although my belief in God died along with Gabriel, I've asked the same questions as you. All I can do is look at the death certificate for my answers. No where on there does it say anything about God as a cause for death.

    As for the whole better place thing, IMHO there is no better place for a child than the loving arms of his [or her] parents.

    I think of you and your family often, and wish that none of us ever had to know the pain and devastation of losing a child.

  3. I am so so sorry for your grief and pain. A wonderful book that deals with the "God" issue is by Harold Kushner and is called When Bad Things Happen to Good People. He also lost a child, and he is a rabbi. He specifically takes issue with the "everything happens for a reason from God" thinking that we so often hear.

    I have not lost a child, but I read the book, and it totally transformed my thinking about the role of God in pain and suffering. I now believe that God grieves with us, but does not cause our pain (or prevent action that would eliminate our pain). For me, separating God from the bad things that happen (again nothing like what happened to you has happened to me, but it has to people close to me) has made it possible for me to believe in God again.

    I drove down the road once and saw a billboard that a man had paid for thanking God for saving his wife from cancer. I wanted to throw tomatoes at it. How did every single person driving by who lost a loved one to cancer feel when seeing that? I just cannot believe in a God who causes cancer -- or for that matter cures it -- though I do believe God's support can help us cope.

    I am so so sorry for your grief. And I agree with Lisa -- there is no better place for a child than the arms of his parents. Truthfully, although I tell people I pray for them because I do -- positive energy is always a good thing, I think -- I cannot ever imagine saying to grieving parents "everything happened for a reason" or "this was God's plan" or "he is in a better place." I honestly don't know how people can say things like that. I know they mean well, but it seems cruel to me.

    I still think of your beautiful boy at least one time every day and I never even met him.

  4. You are not alone in feeling confused and losing faith. It is hard to imagine how a loving God would want his children to suffer so. If God is trying to show me something or teach me a lesson, I get it already! I promise, I am humbled. I just want to ask God if He could just please give us a break.

  5. I am so sorry for all your pain. It is normal to be angry. Grief SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, you would want your baby in your arms. I want my twin sister and her two babies to still be alive. Death sucks.

  6. Nicole,

    I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks of pregnancy and while it's not the same as losing a child, it is a great loss and I feel that God was not there for me... I also prayed SOOOO hard from 2001- 2005 when my mom had cancer and she was taken from me way too young.. My mom was my best friend and I loved her dearly... She suffered for almost 5 years with cancer...
    I don't know why God let her go through all of this when there are sooo many bad people living and breathing out there... Why did he take my beloved and precious mom?! Why did he take your beloved and precious Travis? I don't have the answer.. but just that I feel sad, frustrated and hurt from my loss, and your's too.
    I weep for you, Roger and your entire family.. There is NO comfort and solace knowing that you miss your beautiful son sooo much!

  7. Nicole and Roger, there has to be a reason, although we dont know what it is, there just has to be. I went to catholic school for most of my younger years I believed all that they taught and that God was good. Why then would He put you and the many other mothers in limbo asking why? We wont know until..... I didnt know Travis but I still have tears in my eyes everytime I visit your site. Something or someone brings me here, It Is way to early for you guys to accept any explaination, If it were me I dont know if I would ever be ready.Just6 know that their are plenty of people you can call to use their shoulder to cry on and know that I am one of those. I wont say God bless, but be well and take as long as it takes. love Rita

  8. I don't believe God intended for you to lose your son. I don't think God lets your son slip away from you like that. I believe that he was stolen from you too early- and whether it be by just the cold painful side of the world or from satan himself, the stealer and destroyer of all good things- I know that God deeply loves you and Travis too. Bless you <3

  9. I don't want to talk about God. Bad or good. It is nonesense. Just want to help you if it is even possible.
    My husband is a correctional officer and has told me the most heartbreaking story of domestic abuse that happened to one of the imnates and his sister in childhood. It is so tragic, horroristic and disspeakable I have not been myself for days. Those children where totally and utterley alone, heartlessly abandoned by everything that good in this world especially God. In the dark in the moment of terror in the ripping out of their little young souls with noone to comfort them and nowhere to turn.
    Can you find maybe some relief from your grief and pain by doing something for a child or children that are abandoned by God and are presentley alive but in darkest places we can ever imagine?