Through Rose Colored Glasses

You'd never know how difficult it is to not expect the worst...unless you've been in my shoes.

Once you're on this side of life things are different.  This side....this "I've lived the nightmare" side.  This less than rosy colored view of the world.  It's tainted.  It's suspicious.  It's worst case scenarios.  It's I'm not enough.

I want to be one of THOSE people.  People who always seem happy.  People who can always look at the bright side.   I admire those who have gone through heavy things and can still slap on a smile.

I try.

At times, things seem as good as they can be.  I am really enjoying my new job and coworkers.  My girls are growing and thriving.  Roger and I are together.  We are living.   Travis shows me he's here with all these interesting connections he is creating and revealing to me.

It's sad that even with all that I am always on edge.  Always waiting for the bad news.  Always anticipating negative responses.  Anticipating the break in relationships.  Expecting people to tire of my life and the history I carry with me.   Maybe that is why I am so emotional.

I feel things so deeply.  I try not to show it.  My face is WAY too expressive.

I have good people in my life.   Truly.  People who just show up, bring coffee, call/text.  People I've only recently met who ask about Travis or offer a hug at just the right time.  People who seek me out to check on me or just chat.  They are there on tough days...on not so tough days.  I don't have to ask.

Yet, I catastrophize everything.  Why?

I look for the bad in things.  I worry that my relationships with people are not being genuine.  I worry that I am not living up to expectations...CONSTANTLY.   I put so much stock into proving myself....as a mother, as a wife, as an employee, as a friend, as a woman. It is so much pressure.  It's taxing.  I wish I could just trust that I AM ENOUGH.

I want to go back to my rosy, even if naive, view of the world.  I want to live in that world where things like this don't happen to people.

Travis Gary DiCarlo

Travis Gary DiCarlo

Travis Tribute Video

http://vimeo.com/20819204

Travis Gary DiCarlo, first son of Roger and Nicole DiCarlo, was born at San Diego Kaiser Hospital, October 23, 2009 with a Congenital Heart Defect known as Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, or HLHS. The short explanation is that Travis was born with only half of a heart. In order for him to live, a series of three operations were planned.


Due to an infection, Travis had to have an additional open heart surgery to insert pulmonary artery bands on October 29, 2009. He had his Norwood Surgery on November 21, 2009. He was sent home on December 14, 2009 from Rady's Children Hospital of San Diego after spending his first 52 nights of life in the hospital.



After being home for several months, Travis was due to for his next surgery in the plan, the Glenn procedure. But the life of a cardiac kid can change in an instant and life doesn't always go as planned. Due to the anatomy of his heart and some rhythm issues, Travis had what the surgeons called Norwood part 2. They replaced his Sano Shunt with a bigger one, enlarged his pulmonary arteries and installed a pacemaker. This surgery was performed on May 3, 2010. Travis went home on May 17th, 2010.


Around Travis' first birthday in October his cardiologist detected some narrowing in his pulmonary artery and ordered a heart cath. The heart cath showed extensive narrowing in his aorta and his pulmonary artery. On February 17, 2011 Travis had his 4th open heart surgery. He was doing well with recovery until he suddenly went into cardiac arrest on Friday (2/18). After two hours of CPR Travis was placed on ECMO (a heart/lung bypass). Although his heart did begin to beat again on its own, his brain was damaged during the whole ordeal and he lost all brain function. We had to say goodbye to our beautiful boy on Saturday, February 19th. We miss our boy terribly..... 

Happy 3rd Birthday Travis

Today would have marked Travis' third birthday.  We celebrated his day by doing some of his favorite things.  Tomorrow, we honor his birthday by serving dinner at the Ronald McDonald house and hosting a book drive for the patients of Children's Hospital.  We love and miss our son.

 Addison who is almost 2 letting out Balloons for her brother.

 Nicole sending out a special balloon to her Travis.

Daddy and Baby Brynn (4 1/2 months old) sending balloons to T.

Addie had swim class tonight and instead of canceling, we thought it was a great way to honor Travis,

because he loved the water so much.

 Travis loved the water.

Travis at swim class.  He made every one smile

Simple, Painful things

It hurts my heart at the tiny details of you that I can't exactly recall. Simple things like changing a boys diaper vs. a girls. I have a boy...a beautiful, missed boy. But, I can't exactly recall the details. That hurts my heart more than I can explain. Why can't I remember those details...the happy ones? The horrible memories haunt me. I can vividly recall those moments. It's all unfair.

Someone Always Says It Better

Read this on a fellow baby loss mom's blog:

"I feel disrespected. I feel abandoned. I feel rejected by the people in my life who were supposed to be there for me when this all went down. I feel cheated out if my grief because I am so worried about what everyone else thinks."

I feel the same.

What Grief Looks Like

I have been wanting to get my thoughts out on this subject for awhile now.  It was spurred by a friend’s comment about how much I sleep.  It hurt.  It stung.  It really wasn’t that big of a deal…but, at the same time, it was.  You see sleeping is one of the ways I deal.

I think people forget that we are grieving.  We are in pain.  The pain manifests in strange ways.

I’m tired.

I spend my hours being mom to my living children, trying to keep up with my house, my responsibilities. Trying to look like a gentle rain when my insides feel like a hurricane.  I don’t cry in front of people.  I won’t let myself often.  I wait until the day is done and I am alone in my car.  All of the little moments from the day where my heart aches for the “family I should have” catch up with me and I cry.   It takes so much energy to get through each day without falling apart.  And, I am just exhausted.

This is what grief looks like.

It’s feeling uncomfortable with touch.  Prolonged hugs, lingering handshakes, a hand on my back….they make me cringe.  It all reminds me of the days in the hospital waiting for news from the surgeries.

It’s getting annoyed hearing people say how amazing we are.  We aren’t.  You just do what you have to do.  You would to if you had to.  We have two girls here that need us.  We have to work and provide for our family.  We have no choice.  I can’t tell you how much I’d LOVE to not get out of bed each day.  But, I do.  I have to find some reason to carry on for my girls and for Travis…because he didn’t get to. 

It’s laughter and joy heavily weighted in an aching sadness.  It’s watching our girls grow and knowing how we were robbed of our boy.

It’s jealousy.  It’s looking at friends with their healthy kids and aching.  It’s looking at three-year old boys and wondering…what would Travis look like today?  It’s being angry that we have to walk around with this heavy load on our hearts. 

It’s anger .  Anger at hearing heart moms praise God for answering their prayers…as if we didn’t pray enough.  As if we didn’t beg God to let us keep our boy.  As if we were not worthy enough for God to answer OUR prayers. It’s the screams that I hold inside.  The fighting to resist the urge to yell at people that he was special too.  He deserved answered prayers!

It’s an awkwardness that looms in every conversation…with those that know, with those that don’t, with strangers when they ask questions about our family.  It’s the elephant in the room. It’s a million decisions about how to handle situations…. what do I tell my new class when we have family events and my son is missing?  

It’s loneliness.  It’s figuring out that really, you are all you have.  It’s realizing that people can’t handle your pain.  It’s trying to put energy into friendships.  They all feel like such work.  Conversations seem so unnatural.   It’s cancelling plans because most of the time it is just too much effort.

It’s zoning out of conversations because I just can’t focus.  It’s forgetting things.   It’s feeling disorganized.  It’s over eating.  

It’s consuming.

It’s ongoing.

It’s deeper than you can even imagine.

Time Flies, but pain doesn't go away.

It has been crazy busy for the DiCarlo Family the past few months.

Quick Recap:

• Brynn Kristina DiCarlo was born June 1st, 2012 (Above)
• We moved .5 miles to get a fresh start.  Could not stand the thought of giving Travis' room to baby Brynn
• Nicole got a new teaching job in Poway Unified School District.  She is now teaching 5th grade.
• Addison is now almost 2 and is such a firecracker.  She has all these little quirks that remind us of Travis all the time and it just makes us smile.  

We are just trying to live life the best that we can.  There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of our boy.  We have a wall in our new home to display all of Travis' favorite stuff and things that remind us of him.  It also has the quote "An Angel Watches Over Us"   This keeps him just a little closer to our hearts some days.

As for now, life goes on.  The frequency of people that talk to us about Travis has gone down and that makes us sad.  But we are always open to spread his story and TEAM TRAVIS will live on forever.